06/03/2002 | Майдан-ІНФОРМ

UKRAINE JOINS, LEAVES NATO IN HUFF

In an amazing series of rapidly developing events which took place on Thursday June 6th, Ukraine was formally admitted into NATO at the alliances headquarters in Brussels. At exactly 0900 hours Secretary General of the conglomerate, D. Robertsman, administered the sacraments to Ukrainian President L. Kuchmer. On his knees in front of the entire World, the President of Ukraine crossed himself numerous times and promised to abide by the rules and regulations of NATO. To thunderous applause and a standing ovation, Mr. Kuchmer thanked the gathering and went to a back room with his syncopates and high officials of NATO for a few drinks. The crowd was later entertained by the American country music star, Willie Nelson who sang "The Red-Headed Stranger From Blue Rock Montana, came riding to town one day?"

But, by that evening matters took a different twist. According to a confidential source who suspects that he should remain anonymous, the President had a sudden change of heart. In a fit of nostalgia for the old rocket factory, Mr. Kuchmer began sobbing and mumbling "What have I done, forgive me Vladimir Illich, forgive me?" A press conference was hastily called for and at 2100 hours Kuchmer angrily denounced NATO for it?s "war crimes in Serbia, its brutal treatment of Iraq, American Indians and Romany." Kuchmer then publicly tore the ascension documents into little pieces and ran out of the hall followed by hundreds of fawning syncopates yelling "NATO Kaka."

PARLIAMENT ADJOURNS FOR TWO YEARS

Having voted into the Speakers seat it?s main man, the Ukrainian parliament went into hibernation for another two years. The motivation for this unexpected decision was given by the new speaker, Yuriy Lytvym. He told UP-IP news agency that "This will save the taxpayers a lot of hryv?s and ulcer treatments. So we did the human thing, we gave the poor voters a break. But we?ll be back folks, you just wait and see." Nobody put up a struggle to reverse this decision and when polled, 68% of the members of parliament replied that they were going to: "Antigua to bask with their bucks in the sun." 17% said they were "going into hiding." The rest refused to answer on the grounds that they did not know the language.

POTREBENKO JOINS OUN

Having been expelled by the Communist Party faction in the Ukrainian parliament (presently unavailable for anything) Nick Potrebenko announced last night in Ternopil that he was a "victim of Communist persecution" and demanded to be admitted into the Organization of Ukrainian Nationalists. "I joined this filthy mob with my heart full of youthful enthusiasm. I wanted to do things for my nation, for the Glorious Ukrainian people, but no, they stood over me, like the vultures they really are. They hounded me into denouncing my mother tongue, into lying and cheating. I felt like a cheap prostitute walking the streets of Kishiniev." Wearing his lapel button of a blue and yellow heart with the slogan "I love Stefko Bandera" the sprightly outcast from Marxism-Leninism sang a solo rendition of "Ne pora, ne pora, Moskalevi, Lyakhovi sluzyt." With tears of joy in her eyes, Slava Stetskovi embraced Nick into the fold of the OUN and gave him his ?nom de guerre?- ?Condom.?

BULLETIN BOARD

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The First Reformed Church of Ukraine is now open for business. The Reverend Doctor Billy Bill Enko, straight from his parish in Montgomery Alabama is now in business. "Praise The Lord !! Now folks, let me put it plain and simple for those of you with a less then kindergarten education out there. Our Holy Mission to THE Ukraine, that part of Russia we all have been praying for in our deepest dreams, is now our watering hole. So why not come out and meet our crew. Every Sunday morning at the usual spot. Bring your credit cards. Our operators are waiting to take you." We have the latest rubber blow up "Yulia" dolls once advertised by Imus. They do have flexible mouths. Only Hr. 19.99. Call now. (044) 445 67-89. Time limited offer.

New on DVD ? "Victor Yushenenko and the Sorcerers Spine." The prize winning movie of the year. See the young Victor going to Hogwartivka, the exclusive finishing school for future Ukrainian central bankers. Watch him make IMF transfers to Cyprus in the middle of the night and then twist and turn as the evil FT?s seek him out. Available at ?Jolly Roger and Kum? DVD stores anywhere.

"Mother-in-law, suka, blya, go to confession. Igoryok."
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