VATICAN CONCLUDES THAT UKRAINE DID NOT SELL KOLCHUGA'S TO IRAQ
06/24/2002 | Ìàéäàí-²ÍÔÎÐÌ
KYIV BURP
Volume 1, number 11
VATICAN CONCLUDES THAT UKRAINE DID NOT SELL KOLCHUGA'S TO IRAQ, however?
In a Papal Bull issued over the weekend by his Holiness the Pope, it was finally announced that "after long periods of meditation" the Pope came to the conclusion that Ukraine did not sell Kolchuga?s to Iraq. This was announced by the Imam Filaretien (of the Baghdad Patriarchate) to all believers at evening prayers in Ukraine?s Central Mosque last evening.
His Holiness, the Pope did state however, that he had a vision of the Kolchuga?s being secretly smuggled in little boxes labeled "DVD?s" to Nauru in the Pacific. According to three men still loyal to President Kuchmer, this was done in order to protect Ukrainian assets stashed away in Nauru. "We had to find a way to protect our bucks" the unnamed sources claimed. The Kolchuga is unique in that it can spot an IRS or FBI agent 3,000 miles away.
KUCHMER CALLS FOR UKRAINE TO "GO TO EUROPE"
In an unexpected and uninvited appearance and speech at the Verkhovna Rada on Tuesday, President Kuchmer called on Ukrainians to "go to Europe this summer". He stressed the beneficial nature of "French food" and the "nice" health spa?s in the Czech Republic and Monaco. "Europe is great, guys, check it out." He mentioned that most members of the government and parliament have been to Switzerland numerous times, "but life cannot limit us to visiting only banks." He jumped up and down on the speakers podium as he described his recent visit to Ukrainian women working in health food restaurants in Hamburg and Amsterdam. "They made the right European choice" And will the Europeans accept us in Europe ? "Those babes in Amsterdam are loved by the customers." The President told the assorted crowd of half awake people?s deputies. On a lighter note, one of the members of parliament presented the President with a ritual Hari-kari sword and instructions in it use. The President kept his famous composure and smiled evilly at the gift giver. The head of the SBU jotted down the name of the deputy in his notepad. After waiting futilely for some applause, the President left surrounded by some loyal syncopates.
NAURU HOLDS REFERENDUM ?JOINS UKRAINE
The Pacific Island of Nauru held a referendum today. All 55,987 off-shore banks took part in the vote which was observed by three Sicilian gentlemen. The results were overwhelming. 54,987 banks voted to join Ukraine. 1,000 wanted to join Russia. Some twelve minutes after the votes had been counted and the ballots burned, Prime Minister Kinkykikh issued a decree welcoming Nauru into Ukraine. Now the Blue and Yellow flag proudly flies over the tiny island in the Pacific and its hard working bankers.
ZAYEBU ISSUES ULTIMATUM TO RYKH AND ZAYEDU.
The central leadership of the ZaYeBU bloc of women voters has issued an ultimatum to the Rykh and ZaYEdU groups to "come out like men and prove that you got it there." Visibly upset by the lack of a virile parliament, the ZaYeBistky, have come out swinging and pumping, egging on their male counterparts to "get it up, or shut up" and "leave the driving to us." In the ultimatum they write: "For years you bozo?s have been bragging of your ability to perform. Well now is your last chance. We have been overly tolerant of your impotent minds, not to mention the rest of your sagging superstructure."
The Burp was able to find Yura Kostinenko, the Rukh leader, hiding in a men?s room on the second floor of the parliament building. When interviewed, he refused to reveal the strategy that Rukh would take to counter this serious challenge to its virility. Visibly moved by events, Mr. Kostinenko, took his box of "Super Viagra" pills and scampered out the door.
KUCHMER DECLARES HOLIDAY
President Leonid Kuchmer declared today a holiday. In an unexpected moment of optimism and good will, the President looked out his window this morning and decided that "Screw It, let?s give the place a day off." So he called in his new press secretary Eva Braun, and they issued the Presidential edict. Afterwards, he invited Ms. Braun to have a 100 grams of gin with him ("it makes you want to sin" the President joking whispered in her long earlobe) The press was then escorted out of the office and went home.
UKRAINIAN BANKERS WIN WORLD LAUNDRY CUP
The Ukrainian banking industry?s laundry team "Volkiv?s Wolves" played the Romanian national team this afternoon during the televised final game of the World Cup of Money laundering held in the offices of PrivatSpermBank Ukraine. It was a hot contest. The Ukrainians took an early lead by managing to send $ 70 million to Nauru via Stockholm and Cyprus in the opening minutes of play. But the Romanian team "Chicken Thieves United" was not to be outdone. Using an inside contact to the Bank of New York, they outflanked the Ukrainians and faster then an e-mail, deposited $ 150 million stolen Russian T-bills into a holding company run by Bulgarian child molesters in the Canary Islands. The crowd of clerks and young interns screamed for revenge. The head of the "Wolves," Ukrainian Central Banker, Togipko, knew his stuff and after a few listless attempts at ?passing the buck? went into action. Before you can say ?certificate of deposit? he had sold the shares of seven Ukrainian State oil companies to an off-shore beauty parlor in Bermuda. They in turn deposited the money into their account in Antigua which immediately sent it to a geriatric center in Latvia. The Romanians were as confused as you are. Then in a brilliantly executed move, the geriatric center converted the dollars into Euro?s and had them routed by wire transfer to a kosher poultry market in Brighton Beach. $ 256 million dollars were laundered in this classic play. It was this final transaction which demoralized the "Chicken Thieves" and the game ended.
Community notices
The Reverend Doctor Billy Bob Enko invites one and all to the semi-annual "Ukaranian Banana and Salo Eating Festival" to be held this Thursday evening in the church basement on Prorizna Street. Mountains of salo will be available for consumption by adults over 12 years old. A nominal entrance fee might be charged, bring your credit cards. The Reverend will also demonstrate the use of some of the Church?s latest products, including the new life-like, adult size blow up rubber doll "Barby BYUTY." Only Hryv. 89.99 including VAT. Lubricant not included.
The Dryndypupenko cousins invite you to come to the opening of their latest exhibit of "Late 19th century and Early 20th century Ukrainian condoms" See the original condom worn by Symon Petlura while fleeing from Proskuriv to Warsaw. See the signed, embroidered condom worn by Hrushevsky while writing his "Istoriya Ukrainy-Rusi". Numerous famous one-time, one of a kind rubbers worn by the great and famous. Don?t miss this unique exhibit. Children welcome.
Pan Myron and the wife, Pani Myron, invite you to join them in the revelry of "Komuniaky na hilyaky" week of Halychyna culture in Kyiv. If you bring in a member of the CP, you win a door prize. Drag in two CP members and you win an even bigger prize. Rope provided by Pan Myron.
Anyone spotting a fat stubby, obnoxious elderly lady wearing a green silk Yves Saint Laurent blouse and designer shorts, answering to the name of "Suka, blya" please beat her senseless about the head and shoulders. Igoryok. Reward offered.
The Kyiv branch of "Alcoholics Unanimous" will challenge the fat dorks of "Refrigerators Anonymous" to a finger painting contest to be held in Shevchenko Park this Saturday morning. Will the Alcoholics please refrain from making provocative slurring comments about their overweight brethren until after the contest ends. Any fat bastard seen nibbling on a drunk will be severely punished.
The recently appointed head of UkrSpetzExport, Ghengis Khanovich the Third, is pleased to announce a tender for a tender young broad. "Offers" can be offered in sealed brown envelopes. Cash only. Deadline is September 30th 2002.
The Parliamentary Harley Davidson motorcycle club will be holding its traditional annual lecture series of "Why I Want to go Biking in Europe" by Pete Symsynenko. Bring your own lunch.
HOT NEWS
The MVD held its usual exciting and informative press conference on "Who killed Gongadze?" this Tuesday. As always, a new version of the mystery was presented by that famous MVD comic, Obikhodov. His latest version is that Gongadze was kidnapped by agents of the Council of Europe at the behest of former SS Halychyna members who operated as part of a secret Buddhist flower growing society organized by Freedom House and Radio Liberty. Funded by the Pakistani intelligence service, the evil Kupachinsky, working with sinister Marchukchi and other known agents of Sadam Hussein, are out to get the innocent bible salesman Andriy Stukach. They weave a plot of intrigue and leave a trail of blood and after shave lotion behind their dastardly deeds. The Saintly Stukach prays to the Orthodox Virgin and repents for his sins. All he wants to get is his cut. The Virgin (some virgin) tells him to ?shove it up his?" Stukach is distraught. His life is now meaningless. He will go after the butcher of Vietnamese baby water buffalo Kupachinsky and his ?pal? Marchukchi. The plot thickens after corn starch is added. Kupachinsky and Marchukchi recruit an innocent officer of President Kuchmer?s security detail, the naďve, Major Melmychenko to record the farts and burps in the President?s office. This terrible deed is done. The President is bent on telling the opposition to get bent. Stukach Senior, the Father of Stukach Junior, smells the blood of a Georgian journalist. In enters Yurchyk Lytvym, the proud keeper of the keys to Valhalla. "Yes" Lytvym yells to anyone who might be listening. "Yes" he yells again, but nobody is listening. Lytvym quietly leaves the room, confused as to his sexuality. Obikhodov is now beet red, he is about to name names, to tell it all, he knows, he knows it all. In the meantime Stukach Junior is sitting in his favorite gay bar snorting coke. As the CD player plays "Katyusha", tears well up in Stukach?s red eyes. How unjust life can be, how brutal is brutal, how?ow, what the f-k. He snorts another line of coke. To be continued?
PLEA
We know you mothers out there have been reading this and now is time to pay for wicked acts. Call 1-800-Kyiv Burp and leave us some of your real estate. E-mail us at Kyivburp307@hotmail.com let the word go out, get some of your slimy friends to join the club.
Volume 1, number 11
VATICAN CONCLUDES THAT UKRAINE DID NOT SELL KOLCHUGA'S TO IRAQ, however?
In a Papal Bull issued over the weekend by his Holiness the Pope, it was finally announced that "after long periods of meditation" the Pope came to the conclusion that Ukraine did not sell Kolchuga?s to Iraq. This was announced by the Imam Filaretien (of the Baghdad Patriarchate) to all believers at evening prayers in Ukraine?s Central Mosque last evening.
His Holiness, the Pope did state however, that he had a vision of the Kolchuga?s being secretly smuggled in little boxes labeled "DVD?s" to Nauru in the Pacific. According to three men still loyal to President Kuchmer, this was done in order to protect Ukrainian assets stashed away in Nauru. "We had to find a way to protect our bucks" the unnamed sources claimed. The Kolchuga is unique in that it can spot an IRS or FBI agent 3,000 miles away.
KUCHMER CALLS FOR UKRAINE TO "GO TO EUROPE"
In an unexpected and uninvited appearance and speech at the Verkhovna Rada on Tuesday, President Kuchmer called on Ukrainians to "go to Europe this summer". He stressed the beneficial nature of "French food" and the "nice" health spa?s in the Czech Republic and Monaco. "Europe is great, guys, check it out." He mentioned that most members of the government and parliament have been to Switzerland numerous times, "but life cannot limit us to visiting only banks." He jumped up and down on the speakers podium as he described his recent visit to Ukrainian women working in health food restaurants in Hamburg and Amsterdam. "They made the right European choice" And will the Europeans accept us in Europe ? "Those babes in Amsterdam are loved by the customers." The President told the assorted crowd of half awake people?s deputies. On a lighter note, one of the members of parliament presented the President with a ritual Hari-kari sword and instructions in it use. The President kept his famous composure and smiled evilly at the gift giver. The head of the SBU jotted down the name of the deputy in his notepad. After waiting futilely for some applause, the President left surrounded by some loyal syncopates.
NAURU HOLDS REFERENDUM ?JOINS UKRAINE
The Pacific Island of Nauru held a referendum today. All 55,987 off-shore banks took part in the vote which was observed by three Sicilian gentlemen. The results were overwhelming. 54,987 banks voted to join Ukraine. 1,000 wanted to join Russia. Some twelve minutes after the votes had been counted and the ballots burned, Prime Minister Kinkykikh issued a decree welcoming Nauru into Ukraine. Now the Blue and Yellow flag proudly flies over the tiny island in the Pacific and its hard working bankers.
ZAYEBU ISSUES ULTIMATUM TO RYKH AND ZAYEDU.
The central leadership of the ZaYeBU bloc of women voters has issued an ultimatum to the Rykh and ZaYEdU groups to "come out like men and prove that you got it there." Visibly upset by the lack of a virile parliament, the ZaYeBistky, have come out swinging and pumping, egging on their male counterparts to "get it up, or shut up" and "leave the driving to us." In the ultimatum they write: "For years you bozo?s have been bragging of your ability to perform. Well now is your last chance. We have been overly tolerant of your impotent minds, not to mention the rest of your sagging superstructure."
The Burp was able to find Yura Kostinenko, the Rukh leader, hiding in a men?s room on the second floor of the parliament building. When interviewed, he refused to reveal the strategy that Rukh would take to counter this serious challenge to its virility. Visibly moved by events, Mr. Kostinenko, took his box of "Super Viagra" pills and scampered out the door.
KUCHMER DECLARES HOLIDAY
President Leonid Kuchmer declared today a holiday. In an unexpected moment of optimism and good will, the President looked out his window this morning and decided that "Screw It, let?s give the place a day off." So he called in his new press secretary Eva Braun, and they issued the Presidential edict. Afterwards, he invited Ms. Braun to have a 100 grams of gin with him ("it makes you want to sin" the President joking whispered in her long earlobe) The press was then escorted out of the office and went home.
UKRAINIAN BANKERS WIN WORLD LAUNDRY CUP
The Ukrainian banking industry?s laundry team "Volkiv?s Wolves" played the Romanian national team this afternoon during the televised final game of the World Cup of Money laundering held in the offices of PrivatSpermBank Ukraine. It was a hot contest. The Ukrainians took an early lead by managing to send $ 70 million to Nauru via Stockholm and Cyprus in the opening minutes of play. But the Romanian team "Chicken Thieves United" was not to be outdone. Using an inside contact to the Bank of New York, they outflanked the Ukrainians and faster then an e-mail, deposited $ 150 million stolen Russian T-bills into a holding company run by Bulgarian child molesters in the Canary Islands. The crowd of clerks and young interns screamed for revenge. The head of the "Wolves," Ukrainian Central Banker, Togipko, knew his stuff and after a few listless attempts at ?passing the buck? went into action. Before you can say ?certificate of deposit? he had sold the shares of seven Ukrainian State oil companies to an off-shore beauty parlor in Bermuda. They in turn deposited the money into their account in Antigua which immediately sent it to a geriatric center in Latvia. The Romanians were as confused as you are. Then in a brilliantly executed move, the geriatric center converted the dollars into Euro?s and had them routed by wire transfer to a kosher poultry market in Brighton Beach. $ 256 million dollars were laundered in this classic play. It was this final transaction which demoralized the "Chicken Thieves" and the game ended.
Community notices
The Reverend Doctor Billy Bob Enko invites one and all to the semi-annual "Ukaranian Banana and Salo Eating Festival" to be held this Thursday evening in the church basement on Prorizna Street. Mountains of salo will be available for consumption by adults over 12 years old. A nominal entrance fee might be charged, bring your credit cards. The Reverend will also demonstrate the use of some of the Church?s latest products, including the new life-like, adult size blow up rubber doll "Barby BYUTY." Only Hryv. 89.99 including VAT. Lubricant not included.
The Dryndypupenko cousins invite you to come to the opening of their latest exhibit of "Late 19th century and Early 20th century Ukrainian condoms" See the original condom worn by Symon Petlura while fleeing from Proskuriv to Warsaw. See the signed, embroidered condom worn by Hrushevsky while writing his "Istoriya Ukrainy-Rusi". Numerous famous one-time, one of a kind rubbers worn by the great and famous. Don?t miss this unique exhibit. Children welcome.
Pan Myron and the wife, Pani Myron, invite you to join them in the revelry of "Komuniaky na hilyaky" week of Halychyna culture in Kyiv. If you bring in a member of the CP, you win a door prize. Drag in two CP members and you win an even bigger prize. Rope provided by Pan Myron.
Anyone spotting a fat stubby, obnoxious elderly lady wearing a green silk Yves Saint Laurent blouse and designer shorts, answering to the name of "Suka, blya" please beat her senseless about the head and shoulders. Igoryok. Reward offered.
The Kyiv branch of "Alcoholics Unanimous" will challenge the fat dorks of "Refrigerators Anonymous" to a finger painting contest to be held in Shevchenko Park this Saturday morning. Will the Alcoholics please refrain from making provocative slurring comments about their overweight brethren until after the contest ends. Any fat bastard seen nibbling on a drunk will be severely punished.
The recently appointed head of UkrSpetzExport, Ghengis Khanovich the Third, is pleased to announce a tender for a tender young broad. "Offers" can be offered in sealed brown envelopes. Cash only. Deadline is September 30th 2002.
The Parliamentary Harley Davidson motorcycle club will be holding its traditional annual lecture series of "Why I Want to go Biking in Europe" by Pete Symsynenko. Bring your own lunch.
HOT NEWS
The MVD held its usual exciting and informative press conference on "Who killed Gongadze?" this Tuesday. As always, a new version of the mystery was presented by that famous MVD comic, Obikhodov. His latest version is that Gongadze was kidnapped by agents of the Council of Europe at the behest of former SS Halychyna members who operated as part of a secret Buddhist flower growing society organized by Freedom House and Radio Liberty. Funded by the Pakistani intelligence service, the evil Kupachinsky, working with sinister Marchukchi and other known agents of Sadam Hussein, are out to get the innocent bible salesman Andriy Stukach. They weave a plot of intrigue and leave a trail of blood and after shave lotion behind their dastardly deeds. The Saintly Stukach prays to the Orthodox Virgin and repents for his sins. All he wants to get is his cut. The Virgin (some virgin) tells him to ?shove it up his?" Stukach is distraught. His life is now meaningless. He will go after the butcher of Vietnamese baby water buffalo Kupachinsky and his ?pal? Marchukchi. The plot thickens after corn starch is added. Kupachinsky and Marchukchi recruit an innocent officer of President Kuchmer?s security detail, the naďve, Major Melmychenko to record the farts and burps in the President?s office. This terrible deed is done. The President is bent on telling the opposition to get bent. Stukach Senior, the Father of Stukach Junior, smells the blood of a Georgian journalist. In enters Yurchyk Lytvym, the proud keeper of the keys to Valhalla. "Yes" Lytvym yells to anyone who might be listening. "Yes" he yells again, but nobody is listening. Lytvym quietly leaves the room, confused as to his sexuality. Obikhodov is now beet red, he is about to name names, to tell it all, he knows, he knows it all. In the meantime Stukach Junior is sitting in his favorite gay bar snorting coke. As the CD player plays "Katyusha", tears well up in Stukach?s red eyes. How unjust life can be, how brutal is brutal, how?ow, what the f-k. He snorts another line of coke. To be continued?
PLEA
We know you mothers out there have been reading this and now is time to pay for wicked acts. Call 1-800-Kyiv Burp and leave us some of your real estate. E-mail us at Kyivburp307@hotmail.com let the word go out, get some of your slimy friends to join the club.