THE KYIV BURP
04/29/2002 | Borys Karmeluk
THE KYIV BURP
Volume 1, number 1, May 1, 2002
“Together with Russia to Antarctica”
People’s Deputy Andriy Stukach made a stunning announcement at an impromptu press conference held in his favorite casino, “Moscow Rules,” late last night. He was launching a new political movement “Together With Russia to Antarctica.”
“It is pointless for us Ukrainians to go anywhere by ourselves, we’ll get lost. Therefore with proper guidance from Russia, we might even get somewhere.” he slurred into the microphone. When asked why Antarctica? Stukach scratched himself and admitted that “it be joke” and that in reality it could be anywhere – Europe, Eurasia, the corner gastronome, “don’t matter where, as long as Vova is holding our hand” he grinned and giggled.
The press conference was cut short when Mr. Stukach’s father, also a People’s Deputy, entered the room. “Big Lyonia” as he is known to a select group of Kyiv businessmen, told his son to “shut up” and come home or else he would be cut off from a pending privatization of an oil terminal in Odessa.
Kuchmer Will Personally Supervise Investigation into Illegal Arms Sales
Kyiv, May 1, 2002 (UP-IP press agency) Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchmer announced that “he was fed up with this dog shit about selling some radar to Iraq” and will personally supervise the investigation of these “outrageous charges made by freaks and disgruntled majors.” Kuchmer stressed that it would be a fair and impartial investigation, done in a civilized Western style. The Kroll Agency has been hired to do the preliminaries. “Nobody can point their finger at me and get away with it” the President screamed. “First they tried to blame me for the suicide of that blya, Georgian, and now this.”
SBU Ready to Find Spies
The Head of the SBU, Supreme Colonel General Redchenko, told the Interfuks Ukraine Press Agency that “we are ready to find them spies.” Commenting on a wide range of topics, Redchenko stated that Ukraine did indeed sell radar systems to Ethiopia, along with two containers of spears manufactured by the UkrSpearPromTraLiLa Company located in Kolomiya. “Spears did not fall under the UN embargo so we dumped a bunch on them.” The SBU did foil a plot by “shady businessmen” to sell stones to Palestinians for their slingshots. “We do not tolerate this kind of havno, Ukraine, after all, is a civilized country, a respected member of the world community of nations, blya.” The SBU is presently looking into a conspiracy by a small band of retired postmen to overthrow the government. “We found maps, books, cap pistols, two Swiss Army knives and a Zippo lighter. What more proof do you need?” Redchenko mumbled.
Kuchmer, Lukashenkov Receive Iraqi “Peace Prize”
Baghdad, May 1, 2002 (UP-IP) Iraqi President Saddam Saddamovich awarded Iraq’s highest civilian medal “The Saddam Saddamovich Peace Prize” to a group of foreign dignitaries in Baghdad on Monday. Among those honored for their “Contribution to the cause of justice, freedom and preservation of the status quo anti” were Nick Vlasov, the grandson of the former Russian Freedom Fighter Andrey Vlasov, Idi Amin Dada, Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchmer and Belarus President Alex Lukashenkov. President Kuchmer made a few short, inappropriate remarks to the gathering and then entertained the group with his guitar playing. Saddam Saddamovich demonstrated how to deal with an opposition parliamentarian by kicking his teeth in. The audience loved Saddam’s innovative approach and cheered throughout the demonstration.
Yushchechenko Taken to Hospital
Opposition leader Viktor Yushchechenko was rushed to hospital yesterday complaining of back pains. Doctors at the Sukin and Syn Clinic in Darnytsia told the press that this was a “more or less permanent condition that Mr. Yushchechenko suffers from.” “We just jack up his spine now and then, straighten it out and he’s back at work.” The condition was more severe about a year and a half ago the doctors stated. “We thought that it would never straighten, but miracles do happen.”
CHICAGO TO INVITE ASSAROV FOR SPEAKING TOUR
Mykola Assarov, the head of the Ukrainian Tax Inspectorate, has been invited to give a series of lectures this Fall in the United States on “Tax evasion and loyalty- the choices we all must make.” Sponsored by the “Boss Daley Institute of Democracy” located on the South Side of Chicago, Mr. Assarov will visit wards and conduct intimate retreats with ward captains and their staffs.
The tour is being co-sponsored by the “Sister Cities” program between Chicago and Kyiv. Interest in Mr. Assarov’s unique methods of tax collection recently came to the attention of Chicago city officials who told the Kyiv Burp that this was: “A return to the old, trusted methods we used in the 1960’s.”
According to Mr. Assarov’s press secretary, the retreats will concentrate on such popular topics as ‘Corruption, the Most Misunderstood Word in the English Language’, ‘The Ancient Concept of the ‘Quid pro Quo’, and the ever popular lecture: ‘Who me?’
Bill Evans, the ward captain of Lincoln Park told the ‘Burp’: ‘this is an incredible event. We finally found a guy who knows more then we do. You can bet half your weekly salary that we’ll put his experience to good use here in Lincoln Park.’
A wreath laying ceremony at the grave of A. Capone is also planned.
After his tour of the South Side, Mr. Assarov is scheduled to visit Palermo, Sicily and Baghdad, Iraq.
Classified Section
Selling girlfriend. Tall, good looking, keeps mouth shut when not talking. Willing to exchange for newer model. Vania. 229-9084
Looking for Love? Our ladies want you – yes you- dork, age is not important. Expats need respond only. Call 556-88-97-90
Brand new CD’s, DVD’s, Video’s, books, you name it. Cheap? You bet, the best deals east of the Congo! Masol Productions. “You want it, we pirate it.” Corner of Basseyna and Kryhlouniversytetska. 24 hours!
“Visit Poland – Your Car is Already There” Brought to you by Piotr and Partners.
Afraid to walk the streets at night? Your prayers are now answered. Visit our showroom at the Ministry of Self-Defense. Kalashnikov’s, Makarov pistols, a BTR, mini Kolchuga radar systems. Write to Habib Aziz., PO Box 1.76, Odessa. Discounts for members of the Rada!
“Cream of Beirut Cognac” Tired of paying twice your yearly salary for that French crap you and your kum drink in the park at night? Call Lenny Kakashvili at 440-7889 for a great deal on our premier brand “Cream of Beirut.”
Are you a bad boy? A crooked gas trader perhaps? Obedience training by Mistress Yulia. Chains, a special dungeon to meet your individual kinky needs. Call Yulia Mamashenko at 666-9023. Cabinet Ministers welcome.
Igoryok, call your off-shore banker today. Love Mother in law.
UkrSpermBank now open for business. Branches in most parking lots. Hurry before they close us down.
Are your superior’s giving you shit for no reason? Do they sit around and plot against you. Get the goods on them. Melnychenko Sound Studio’s (somewhere in Europe and the U.S.) Digital recordings our specialty. Used sofa’s also available. Don’t wait any longer to hear “Your Masters Voice.”
********************************************************************
The Kyiv Burp is a production by degenerate minds, for people like you who read this crap. If you have any spare hryvny or bucks, send them to our off-shore account c/o Alex Volkov.
The Burp comes out whenever enough gas builds up in the organs of our perverted editors and their intelligent, nubile Ukrainian girlfriends and when we can separate them using the old office crowbar.
Your sleazy intellectual contributions are welcome. Send them by e-mail to: Kyivburp307@hotmail.com
Kyiv, Ukraine (A Society with limited responsibility) Pavlo Lazarenko Square, 7, apartment 10%.
Volume 1, number 1, May 1, 2002
“Together with Russia to Antarctica”
People’s Deputy Andriy Stukach made a stunning announcement at an impromptu press conference held in his favorite casino, “Moscow Rules,” late last night. He was launching a new political movement “Together With Russia to Antarctica.”
“It is pointless for us Ukrainians to go anywhere by ourselves, we’ll get lost. Therefore with proper guidance from Russia, we might even get somewhere.” he slurred into the microphone. When asked why Antarctica? Stukach scratched himself and admitted that “it be joke” and that in reality it could be anywhere – Europe, Eurasia, the corner gastronome, “don’t matter where, as long as Vova is holding our hand” he grinned and giggled.
The press conference was cut short when Mr. Stukach’s father, also a People’s Deputy, entered the room. “Big Lyonia” as he is known to a select group of Kyiv businessmen, told his son to “shut up” and come home or else he would be cut off from a pending privatization of an oil terminal in Odessa.
Kuchmer Will Personally Supervise Investigation into Illegal Arms Sales
Kyiv, May 1, 2002 (UP-IP press agency) Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchmer announced that “he was fed up with this dog shit about selling some radar to Iraq” and will personally supervise the investigation of these “outrageous charges made by freaks and disgruntled majors.” Kuchmer stressed that it would be a fair and impartial investigation, done in a civilized Western style. The Kroll Agency has been hired to do the preliminaries. “Nobody can point their finger at me and get away with it” the President screamed. “First they tried to blame me for the suicide of that blya, Georgian, and now this.”
SBU Ready to Find Spies
The Head of the SBU, Supreme Colonel General Redchenko, told the Interfuks Ukraine Press Agency that “we are ready to find them spies.” Commenting on a wide range of topics, Redchenko stated that Ukraine did indeed sell radar systems to Ethiopia, along with two containers of spears manufactured by the UkrSpearPromTraLiLa Company located in Kolomiya. “Spears did not fall under the UN embargo so we dumped a bunch on them.” The SBU did foil a plot by “shady businessmen” to sell stones to Palestinians for their slingshots. “We do not tolerate this kind of havno, Ukraine, after all, is a civilized country, a respected member of the world community of nations, blya.” The SBU is presently looking into a conspiracy by a small band of retired postmen to overthrow the government. “We found maps, books, cap pistols, two Swiss Army knives and a Zippo lighter. What more proof do you need?” Redchenko mumbled.
Kuchmer, Lukashenkov Receive Iraqi “Peace Prize”
Baghdad, May 1, 2002 (UP-IP) Iraqi President Saddam Saddamovich awarded Iraq’s highest civilian medal “The Saddam Saddamovich Peace Prize” to a group of foreign dignitaries in Baghdad on Monday. Among those honored for their “Contribution to the cause of justice, freedom and preservation of the status quo anti” were Nick Vlasov, the grandson of the former Russian Freedom Fighter Andrey Vlasov, Idi Amin Dada, Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchmer and Belarus President Alex Lukashenkov. President Kuchmer made a few short, inappropriate remarks to the gathering and then entertained the group with his guitar playing. Saddam Saddamovich demonstrated how to deal with an opposition parliamentarian by kicking his teeth in. The audience loved Saddam’s innovative approach and cheered throughout the demonstration.
Yushchechenko Taken to Hospital
Opposition leader Viktor Yushchechenko was rushed to hospital yesterday complaining of back pains. Doctors at the Sukin and Syn Clinic in Darnytsia told the press that this was a “more or less permanent condition that Mr. Yushchechenko suffers from.” “We just jack up his spine now and then, straighten it out and he’s back at work.” The condition was more severe about a year and a half ago the doctors stated. “We thought that it would never straighten, but miracles do happen.”
CHICAGO TO INVITE ASSAROV FOR SPEAKING TOUR
Mykola Assarov, the head of the Ukrainian Tax Inspectorate, has been invited to give a series of lectures this Fall in the United States on “Tax evasion and loyalty- the choices we all must make.” Sponsored by the “Boss Daley Institute of Democracy” located on the South Side of Chicago, Mr. Assarov will visit wards and conduct intimate retreats with ward captains and their staffs.
The tour is being co-sponsored by the “Sister Cities” program between Chicago and Kyiv. Interest in Mr. Assarov’s unique methods of tax collection recently came to the attention of Chicago city officials who told the Kyiv Burp that this was: “A return to the old, trusted methods we used in the 1960’s.”
According to Mr. Assarov’s press secretary, the retreats will concentrate on such popular topics as ‘Corruption, the Most Misunderstood Word in the English Language’, ‘The Ancient Concept of the ‘Quid pro Quo’, and the ever popular lecture: ‘Who me?’
Bill Evans, the ward captain of Lincoln Park told the ‘Burp’: ‘this is an incredible event. We finally found a guy who knows more then we do. You can bet half your weekly salary that we’ll put his experience to good use here in Lincoln Park.’
A wreath laying ceremony at the grave of A. Capone is also planned.
After his tour of the South Side, Mr. Assarov is scheduled to visit Palermo, Sicily and Baghdad, Iraq.
Classified Section
Selling girlfriend. Tall, good looking, keeps mouth shut when not talking. Willing to exchange for newer model. Vania. 229-9084
Looking for Love? Our ladies want you – yes you- dork, age is not important. Expats need respond only. Call 556-88-97-90
Brand new CD’s, DVD’s, Video’s, books, you name it. Cheap? You bet, the best deals east of the Congo! Masol Productions. “You want it, we pirate it.” Corner of Basseyna and Kryhlouniversytetska. 24 hours!
“Visit Poland – Your Car is Already There” Brought to you by Piotr and Partners.
Afraid to walk the streets at night? Your prayers are now answered. Visit our showroom at the Ministry of Self-Defense. Kalashnikov’s, Makarov pistols, a BTR, mini Kolchuga radar systems. Write to Habib Aziz., PO Box 1.76, Odessa. Discounts for members of the Rada!
“Cream of Beirut Cognac” Tired of paying twice your yearly salary for that French crap you and your kum drink in the park at night? Call Lenny Kakashvili at 440-7889 for a great deal on our premier brand “Cream of Beirut.”
Are you a bad boy? A crooked gas trader perhaps? Obedience training by Mistress Yulia. Chains, a special dungeon to meet your individual kinky needs. Call Yulia Mamashenko at 666-9023. Cabinet Ministers welcome.
Igoryok, call your off-shore banker today. Love Mother in law.
UkrSpermBank now open for business. Branches in most parking lots. Hurry before they close us down.
Are your superior’s giving you shit for no reason? Do they sit around and plot against you. Get the goods on them. Melnychenko Sound Studio’s (somewhere in Europe and the U.S.) Digital recordings our specialty. Used sofa’s also available. Don’t wait any longer to hear “Your Masters Voice.”
********************************************************************
The Kyiv Burp is a production by degenerate minds, for people like you who read this crap. If you have any spare hryvny or bucks, send them to our off-shore account c/o Alex Volkov.
The Burp comes out whenever enough gas builds up in the organs of our perverted editors and their intelligent, nubile Ukrainian girlfriends and when we can separate them using the old office crowbar.
Your sleazy intellectual contributions are welcome. Send them by e-mail to: Kyivburp307@hotmail.com
Kyiv, Ukraine (A Society with limited responsibility) Pavlo Lazarenko Square, 7, apartment 10%.