THE KYIV BURP Volume 1, number 9
06/10/2002 | Borys Karmeluk
THOUSANDS OF EX-PAT MALES LURED INTO KYIV BROTHELS
A recent study conducted by the "Saint Olha Institute on Deviant Sexual Behavior" located in Berezhany, shows that a ruthless gang of pimps have been operating in Kyiv, the Capital of Ukraine, luring thousands of elderly ex-pat?s into the evil, vice filled brothels of the city. Many of these poor victims, mostly from Western Canada and the American Midwestern cities of Chicago, Boise and Fargo, North Dakota, have been forced to perform sexual acts on women and girls half, or less their age.
The Kyiv Burp interviewed two of these victims, 73 year old Lester Dryndypupenko, a soy bean farmer from Muskogee. "Me and my cousin here, Walter from Thumbtack Manitoba, we came to see the old country, to see if it was really like our grandparents told us way back then. So we flew to Toronto ? big town, wow, you gotta see them buildings. And Bloor Street West, what a gas. Anyway, we got to Kyiv, sneaked past customs by giving the buggers 20 US bucks apiece and got a taxi to the city. Only cost us $ 200 dollars, but what the hell!
That first night in the Dnipro Hotel was something else. We had varennyky, and holubtsi, and borshch, and dyruny and a lot of horilka. As we were leaving the restaurant (I needed to fart badly) this guy came up to us. You know the type, wearing a tie, greasy hair combed back. You see them in those dirty movies all the time on the XXX Cable station we have back home in Muskogee. He whispered to us in Ukrainian, but not the same Ukrainian we speak at home: "Khloptsi, You want to go to an Ikon exhibit?" Walter, being a bit slow, he?s from Canada you know, and has the first stages of Parkinson?s, began shaking his head. This here fellow took this to be a "yes" and hustled us into a waiting mini-van which drove us to this really fancy place. Jezz, you should see it. Clean carpets, shining bright lights, two pools, bars all over the place and these little ladies, I mean damn good looking little ladies, you should see the tits on some of them. But there were no Ikons. We had been tricked.
And then it all began. They forced us into a room with them gals and made us take off our clothes. My drawers were a bit soiled, if you know what I mean, and the socks, well, you understand that I had been on the road for some time, and they were marinating for 72 hours. But they insisted. It was terrible. We were actually forced to #$%%@# them and God knows what else. Walter began crying. I tried to calm him down, but then they shoved this Viagra pill down his throat and it began all over again. Good Lord I thought I would die right then and there. The little gals were unstoppable ?"Do this, do that" they yelled at us and we had no choice but to comply with their filthy instructions.
Yep, the old country has certainly changed from what Baba Yevdokia told us when we were kids on the prairie."
Kyiv Burp reporters went to this house of ill-constructed repute, "The House of the Rising Tryzub" themselves to verify the story of Walter and Lester. Sadly, it was all true. The place was packed with hundreds of nervous elderly men, oxygen tanks littered the floor, empty bottles of Viagra were everywhere. Most of the men came from such exotic places as Moose Jaw, Manitoba, Regina, Winnipeg and the like. They were scared, some were trembling. They had been lured into the illicit sex business and now were sex slaves. It was a bummer.
KUCHMER HANDS OUT JOURNALISM PRIZES TO JOURNALISTS
At a packed gala ceremony attended by thousands of Ukrainian journalists, editors, owners of mass media outlets, and other syncopates, President Kuchmer handed out the annual ?Emma? awards for journalism for 2002.
The Prize for best investigative reporting went to Maryna Brontisorivna for her series of articles in the Hutsul daily "Hack" on high level corruption and crime in Sweden. "Her shocking expose of the sinful lifestyles and plots concocted by the Swedish elite are truly a lesson for us all," the President stated as he presented her with the golden statue.
The Prize for best human interest profile of the President went to Mr. Pechenigin of Canada. His moving tale of how a young lad from Dnipropetrovsk, hampered by slow reflexes and tunnel vision made it to the top of the heap is truly amazing.
The Prize for best apologetic writing went to Ivan X (he asked not to use his name) for his pre-election series of articles in the rayon militia ?stinhazeta? in Emvedivka village, "Emvedivsky Visti".
The best anonymous denunciation of a relative or close friend was shared this year by 500 journalists from different parts of the country. As if by pure chance, on 30 March of this year, 500 unsigned articles denouncing close friends and relatives who decided to vote ?for that nationalist bloc? were published. Accepting the prize on behalf of his friends was Andriy Stukach, the well known publisher.
An unfortunate incident occurred after the gala presentation. According to eyewitness accounts, a group of about 200 journalists went to the bar of the convention center where the awards were handed out. After consuming more then a medium size river of alcohol, a disagreement broke out about proper grammatical usage in the Ukrainian language. This rapidly escalated into a gun battle between the opposing sides. At last count 87 journalists were shot dead and 47 were seriously wounded.
PECHENIGIN RESIGNS AS EDITOR OF 2000 ˝, JOINS LE PEN CRUSADE
The well known and once popular Ukrainian-Canadian author of children?s stories and humorist, Sergey Pechenigin announced his retirement from the newspaper he allegedly edited "2000 ˝" in order to take a position as press spokesman for the "French humanist politician" ( as Pechenigin described him) Le Pen.
Mr. Pechenigin, known as a champion for press freedom and the truth since the age of seven, spared no efforts at convincing his readers of the wisdom of the Kuchmer royal family and their honesty. He failed. So, doing what comes natural, he joined the Le Pen movement and is reportedly moving to Montreal to begin a new newspaper "2001." The Ukrainian ex-pat community in Cyprus and Antigua will miss his hilarious anecdotes and lack of good taste.
KUCHA-KUCHMER THE MILKMAN. Part Two.
We continue with our review of the premiere performance of the play "Kucha-Kuchmer the Milkman."
The annual Eurasian pogrom festival has begun. Sponsored by Gazprom, Lukoil, Motown Records, The Moscow Patriarchate, and Lukashenko Media Productions, the fun begins. The frenzied forces of John Demjajuk; mostly fat retired auto workers from Cleveland and their brothers from the Ford Dearborn and River Rouge assembly lines in Detroit, singing "Look for the Union Label" gallop into town. Followed by the First OSI Cavalry brigade, they begin roaming the Shtetel of Bankivka in search of the recipe for Gefilte Fish. The Ukrainians are frantic, with blood/alcohol levels surpassing 40%, they demand to know from the poor Hassidim how many cups of flour and eggs they add to the ground up Pike and White Fish. The Hassidim refuse to divulge their centuries old secret.
In walks Kucha-Kuchmer the red headed stranger, the milkman. Silence descends on the quarreling mob. Behind Kucha-Kuchmer is Rabbi Pink Chuk and the Cantor, Oleksander Lazarovich Volkovitch. Lurking in the background is Vadym Robinovich, the evil shifty eyed tavern keeper who also holds the keys to the Catholic Church in his safe. The atmosphere is tense. Women are crying, children are farting, cows could give a shit less, and do. This adds a certain aura to the scene.
Is this the end? Will the secret of gefilte fish be revealed to the lumpen mob of integral nationalists? Will Professor Alex Butterflyovich be redeemed? Who is Professor Alex Butterflyovich anyway? Want to find out? Will Jackson-Vannick triumph? Or will it be repealed? What is the meaning of this crap. Who is responsible for this childish shit anyway. Is it the evil mind of Darth Vadorov, the new Russian ambassador to Ukraine?
Stay tuned. In the next issue (or maybe another one if we are not sued by the American Jewish Committee or the Ukrainian Congress Committee) you can read a real interview with Kucha-Kuchmer the Milkman himself about these historic events.
INTERVIEW WITH YURIY LYTVYM
Yuriy Plagiatovich, tell us your first reaction to being elected speaker.
Lytvym: "It was juicy, you know, real wet and hot, like pissing down your leg on a winters evening."
What do you think of the opposition?
Lytvym: "Them losers? You know I hate losers! I hate their funny little smirks, I want to take their tamales and smash them together. You ask what I think, I tell you what I think. I think therefore I am, if I didn?t think I would not be. Like that shit, yeh? Papa Kuchmer taught me that one evening, I even have it on CD. Listen to it often I do. Makes me hot and wet?
What program will you present to your fellow elected officials.
Lytvym: "Give me a break, eh, let it go for a bit. We gotta get some things squared away first, like who gets to use my toilet when I?m away on some bullshit trip to NATO or somewhere. This place is rough, let me tell you. Some of those guys out there on the floor, Mama, they make Saturday night wrestling look like a party in the Turkmen embassy. When they?re ready for a program they?ll get copies. I will sign it for those bozo?s if they insist."
The opposition claims that your people tried to intimidate them into voting for you. What is your response.
Lytvym: I?ll kick their mother %$##@ teeth down their slimy throats, the dorks. All we did was hold a public opinion poll among them. It weren?t nothing special, just the usual reminder about the 15 year old bimbo?s some of those guys were porking on the side, or last years funny tax return and the consequences when Dracula Assarov finds out about it ? could be a heap of trouble for some of them newly baked democrats. Screw these bastards if they can?t take a joke."
Thank you.
ADVERTISEMENTS
Igoryok, get bent! ME go to confession? May they name an incurable disease after you. Suck on used gas from ITERA and return my daughter?s wedding ring. Love, Mother-in-law.
RENT A LOAN! The Cabinet of Ministers of Ukraine has just announced a new "rent a loan" policy for anyone over 6 years old. Is this the Cat?s Whisker?s? You just buy a loan some freak defaulted on. Cash up front. You pay his principle and interest and after you pay it off, the loan will be given to you! Hey, not a bad deal! Then you begin paying off the symbolic payments on his initial loan plus the default penalty plus points on the original loan!!! Don?t think about it, just call us. (044)- 445 9087. Ask for Pan Myron.
Belarus? President looking for followers. Sign up now. A free chicken liver goes to every supporter. Dial Belarus? 1-800-LUKAKOOK.
Big Brother looking for relatives in CISneyland. Call now. (7-095- PASTA PUTINESCA).
Romany University of Chernivtsi is now hiring lecturers for courses on "How to become a rich security guard", "Guarding the chickens", "The Evils of Hard Labor". Call Pan Myron at number given earlier, but dial it backwards so as not to get the wrong answering machine message.
Live phone sex in Pashtu and Yiddish!! Now for the first time in recorded history. This is THE erotic experience. Call Mrs. Myron at above number, if no answer, hang up and call again later. The Ultimate in inner membrane sex.
HELLO OUT THERE ALL YOU BURP FANS. Your support for this project has been less then ordered by the man himself. Anyway, since we, the editors, have nothing better to do anyway, we?ll keep putting it out and watch as we go insane. Sent a copy to your mother-in-law, to your psychiatrist, your dog walker. Kyivburp307@hotmail.com
A recent study conducted by the "Saint Olha Institute on Deviant Sexual Behavior" located in Berezhany, shows that a ruthless gang of pimps have been operating in Kyiv, the Capital of Ukraine, luring thousands of elderly ex-pat?s into the evil, vice filled brothels of the city. Many of these poor victims, mostly from Western Canada and the American Midwestern cities of Chicago, Boise and Fargo, North Dakota, have been forced to perform sexual acts on women and girls half, or less their age.
The Kyiv Burp interviewed two of these victims, 73 year old Lester Dryndypupenko, a soy bean farmer from Muskogee. "Me and my cousin here, Walter from Thumbtack Manitoba, we came to see the old country, to see if it was really like our grandparents told us way back then. So we flew to Toronto ? big town, wow, you gotta see them buildings. And Bloor Street West, what a gas. Anyway, we got to Kyiv, sneaked past customs by giving the buggers 20 US bucks apiece and got a taxi to the city. Only cost us $ 200 dollars, but what the hell!
That first night in the Dnipro Hotel was something else. We had varennyky, and holubtsi, and borshch, and dyruny and a lot of horilka. As we were leaving the restaurant (I needed to fart badly) this guy came up to us. You know the type, wearing a tie, greasy hair combed back. You see them in those dirty movies all the time on the XXX Cable station we have back home in Muskogee. He whispered to us in Ukrainian, but not the same Ukrainian we speak at home: "Khloptsi, You want to go to an Ikon exhibit?" Walter, being a bit slow, he?s from Canada you know, and has the first stages of Parkinson?s, began shaking his head. This here fellow took this to be a "yes" and hustled us into a waiting mini-van which drove us to this really fancy place. Jezz, you should see it. Clean carpets, shining bright lights, two pools, bars all over the place and these little ladies, I mean damn good looking little ladies, you should see the tits on some of them. But there were no Ikons. We had been tricked.
And then it all began. They forced us into a room with them gals and made us take off our clothes. My drawers were a bit soiled, if you know what I mean, and the socks, well, you understand that I had been on the road for some time, and they were marinating for 72 hours. But they insisted. It was terrible. We were actually forced to #$%%@# them and God knows what else. Walter began crying. I tried to calm him down, but then they shoved this Viagra pill down his throat and it began all over again. Good Lord I thought I would die right then and there. The little gals were unstoppable ?"Do this, do that" they yelled at us and we had no choice but to comply with their filthy instructions.
Yep, the old country has certainly changed from what Baba Yevdokia told us when we were kids on the prairie."
Kyiv Burp reporters went to this house of ill-constructed repute, "The House of the Rising Tryzub" themselves to verify the story of Walter and Lester. Sadly, it was all true. The place was packed with hundreds of nervous elderly men, oxygen tanks littered the floor, empty bottles of Viagra were everywhere. Most of the men came from such exotic places as Moose Jaw, Manitoba, Regina, Winnipeg and the like. They were scared, some were trembling. They had been lured into the illicit sex business and now were sex slaves. It was a bummer.
KUCHMER HANDS OUT JOURNALISM PRIZES TO JOURNALISTS
At a packed gala ceremony attended by thousands of Ukrainian journalists, editors, owners of mass media outlets, and other syncopates, President Kuchmer handed out the annual ?Emma? awards for journalism for 2002.
The Prize for best investigative reporting went to Maryna Brontisorivna for her series of articles in the Hutsul daily "Hack" on high level corruption and crime in Sweden. "Her shocking expose of the sinful lifestyles and plots concocted by the Swedish elite are truly a lesson for us all," the President stated as he presented her with the golden statue.
The Prize for best human interest profile of the President went to Mr. Pechenigin of Canada. His moving tale of how a young lad from Dnipropetrovsk, hampered by slow reflexes and tunnel vision made it to the top of the heap is truly amazing.
The Prize for best apologetic writing went to Ivan X (he asked not to use his name) for his pre-election series of articles in the rayon militia ?stinhazeta? in Emvedivka village, "Emvedivsky Visti".
The best anonymous denunciation of a relative or close friend was shared this year by 500 journalists from different parts of the country. As if by pure chance, on 30 March of this year, 500 unsigned articles denouncing close friends and relatives who decided to vote ?for that nationalist bloc? were published. Accepting the prize on behalf of his friends was Andriy Stukach, the well known publisher.
An unfortunate incident occurred after the gala presentation. According to eyewitness accounts, a group of about 200 journalists went to the bar of the convention center where the awards were handed out. After consuming more then a medium size river of alcohol, a disagreement broke out about proper grammatical usage in the Ukrainian language. This rapidly escalated into a gun battle between the opposing sides. At last count 87 journalists were shot dead and 47 were seriously wounded.
PECHENIGIN RESIGNS AS EDITOR OF 2000 ˝, JOINS LE PEN CRUSADE
The well known and once popular Ukrainian-Canadian author of children?s stories and humorist, Sergey Pechenigin announced his retirement from the newspaper he allegedly edited "2000 ˝" in order to take a position as press spokesman for the "French humanist politician" ( as Pechenigin described him) Le Pen.
Mr. Pechenigin, known as a champion for press freedom and the truth since the age of seven, spared no efforts at convincing his readers of the wisdom of the Kuchmer royal family and their honesty. He failed. So, doing what comes natural, he joined the Le Pen movement and is reportedly moving to Montreal to begin a new newspaper "2001." The Ukrainian ex-pat community in Cyprus and Antigua will miss his hilarious anecdotes and lack of good taste.
KUCHA-KUCHMER THE MILKMAN. Part Two.
We continue with our review of the premiere performance of the play "Kucha-Kuchmer the Milkman."
The annual Eurasian pogrom festival has begun. Sponsored by Gazprom, Lukoil, Motown Records, The Moscow Patriarchate, and Lukashenko Media Productions, the fun begins. The frenzied forces of John Demjajuk; mostly fat retired auto workers from Cleveland and their brothers from the Ford Dearborn and River Rouge assembly lines in Detroit, singing "Look for the Union Label" gallop into town. Followed by the First OSI Cavalry brigade, they begin roaming the Shtetel of Bankivka in search of the recipe for Gefilte Fish. The Ukrainians are frantic, with blood/alcohol levels surpassing 40%, they demand to know from the poor Hassidim how many cups of flour and eggs they add to the ground up Pike and White Fish. The Hassidim refuse to divulge their centuries old secret.
In walks Kucha-Kuchmer the red headed stranger, the milkman. Silence descends on the quarreling mob. Behind Kucha-Kuchmer is Rabbi Pink Chuk and the Cantor, Oleksander Lazarovich Volkovitch. Lurking in the background is Vadym Robinovich, the evil shifty eyed tavern keeper who also holds the keys to the Catholic Church in his safe. The atmosphere is tense. Women are crying, children are farting, cows could give a shit less, and do. This adds a certain aura to the scene.
Is this the end? Will the secret of gefilte fish be revealed to the lumpen mob of integral nationalists? Will Professor Alex Butterflyovich be redeemed? Who is Professor Alex Butterflyovich anyway? Want to find out? Will Jackson-Vannick triumph? Or will it be repealed? What is the meaning of this crap. Who is responsible for this childish shit anyway. Is it the evil mind of Darth Vadorov, the new Russian ambassador to Ukraine?
Stay tuned. In the next issue (or maybe another one if we are not sued by the American Jewish Committee or the Ukrainian Congress Committee) you can read a real interview with Kucha-Kuchmer the Milkman himself about these historic events.
INTERVIEW WITH YURIY LYTVYM
Yuriy Plagiatovich, tell us your first reaction to being elected speaker.
Lytvym: "It was juicy, you know, real wet and hot, like pissing down your leg on a winters evening."
What do you think of the opposition?
Lytvym: "Them losers? You know I hate losers! I hate their funny little smirks, I want to take their tamales and smash them together. You ask what I think, I tell you what I think. I think therefore I am, if I didn?t think I would not be. Like that shit, yeh? Papa Kuchmer taught me that one evening, I even have it on CD. Listen to it often I do. Makes me hot and wet?
What program will you present to your fellow elected officials.
Lytvym: "Give me a break, eh, let it go for a bit. We gotta get some things squared away first, like who gets to use my toilet when I?m away on some bullshit trip to NATO or somewhere. This place is rough, let me tell you. Some of those guys out there on the floor, Mama, they make Saturday night wrestling look like a party in the Turkmen embassy. When they?re ready for a program they?ll get copies. I will sign it for those bozo?s if they insist."
The opposition claims that your people tried to intimidate them into voting for you. What is your response.
Lytvym: I?ll kick their mother %$##@ teeth down their slimy throats, the dorks. All we did was hold a public opinion poll among them. It weren?t nothing special, just the usual reminder about the 15 year old bimbo?s some of those guys were porking on the side, or last years funny tax return and the consequences when Dracula Assarov finds out about it ? could be a heap of trouble for some of them newly baked democrats. Screw these bastards if they can?t take a joke."
Thank you.
ADVERTISEMENTS
Igoryok, get bent! ME go to confession? May they name an incurable disease after you. Suck on used gas from ITERA and return my daughter?s wedding ring. Love, Mother-in-law.
RENT A LOAN! The Cabinet of Ministers of Ukraine has just announced a new "rent a loan" policy for anyone over 6 years old. Is this the Cat?s Whisker?s? You just buy a loan some freak defaulted on. Cash up front. You pay his principle and interest and after you pay it off, the loan will be given to you! Hey, not a bad deal! Then you begin paying off the symbolic payments on his initial loan plus the default penalty plus points on the original loan!!! Don?t think about it, just call us. (044)- 445 9087. Ask for Pan Myron.
Belarus? President looking for followers. Sign up now. A free chicken liver goes to every supporter. Dial Belarus? 1-800-LUKAKOOK.
Big Brother looking for relatives in CISneyland. Call now. (7-095- PASTA PUTINESCA).
Romany University of Chernivtsi is now hiring lecturers for courses on "How to become a rich security guard", "Guarding the chickens", "The Evils of Hard Labor". Call Pan Myron at number given earlier, but dial it backwards so as not to get the wrong answering machine message.
Live phone sex in Pashtu and Yiddish!! Now for the first time in recorded history. This is THE erotic experience. Call Mrs. Myron at above number, if no answer, hang up and call again later. The Ultimate in inner membrane sex.
HELLO OUT THERE ALL YOU BURP FANS. Your support for this project has been less then ordered by the man himself. Anyway, since we, the editors, have nothing better to do anyway, we?ll keep putting it out and watch as we go insane. Sent a copy to your mother-in-law, to your psychiatrist, your dog walker. Kyivburp307@hotmail.com