THE KYIV BURP Volume 1, number 10 %
06/17/2002 | Karmeluk
A KYIV BURP ?WHO?S WHO?
A number of new readers of the BURP have asked our anonymous selves to help them identify the characters in this rag. We will do no such thing, but we do rely upon your primordial instincts to put 2 and 2 together and get whatever you want. Anyway, here is the cast of characters active up to now in the BURP.
Leonid KUCHMER; the President of Ukraine. A red headed, good ole? boy, plays a mean guitar solo of "I never promised you a Rose Garden". Recently converted to Islam. A man of honor, a man of dedication. Favorite hobbies: drinking. Has unique voice which registers well on CD recordings, wave files, tapes etc. Studied oral/anal linguistics at Dnipropetrovsk University, switched to Slavic Scatology and is considered one of the worlds experts in this unique field. Married to Ludmila, the founder and present Head of "Za Yeduny Bahatu Ukrainu" (ZaYeBU). Daughter is out there somewhere earning a miserly living, married to a Reform Rabbi, Pink Chuk. She attends evening classes at the Kyiv Yeshiva for Women.
Lenny STUKACH; Sly evil little fat man, once headed the feared by one and all, SBU (Security and Intelligence Service of Ukraine.) Now in slight disgrace over his personal lack of intelligence, he still is a member of that world renowned singing group "The Bankivsky Quartet." Recently elected to Parliament, he is presently hibernating. Is blessed with a son, Andriy (see below).
Andriy STUKACH; Son of Lenny, therefore is known as "Lennyovich." Good little son, studied Russian studies, wrote his thesis on "Why I Want to be a Russian." Member of parliament from the "United Russian Leaches of Ukraine." Has active desires, but is not capable of overcoming his sense of intellectual inferiority. Hobbies: Snorting anything on the edge of a knife, oil terminals, playing with Telegraphs.
Nick ASSAROV; One of the original "Bankivsky Quartet" members, he is a highly respected tax collector. Awarded many first place finishes in International competition, Nick holds two "Golden Dracula" awards. Nick does things, the old, Beria way. None of this legal mumble jumble bullshit for him. Hobbies: butterfly collecting, tick tack toe, and knitting.
Yura KWAWCHENKO; The original ?tough cop?. Yurko takes no nonsense from journalists, priests, or SBU scumbags. Drives a few stolen Mercedes limo?s, he is the John Wayne of Ukraine. Part of the Bankivsky Quartet, he sings in a low bass, but has trouble reading the lines. Hobbies: hop scotch, Pin the Tail on the Journalist, Mozart concertos.
Victor YUSCHENENKO; Also known as ?The Savoir?. Disguised as a mild mannered reporter for the Kyiv ?Daily Planet?, he is able to leap over kucmeroids at a single bound. Faster then a rolling bagel. "Look, there, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a Ukrainian surface to air missile heading straight for an EL AL Boeing 747? ("no way, ain?t one of ours, we never pushed the button on that sucker") An Eritrean Stealth bomber heading for Moscow? ("right on, do it, nuke the buggers, make them glow in the dark?") No, it?s SuperVic!!" Co-owner with his brother Pete, the younger monk of the family, of a Circus, they also do acrobatic acts. Suffers from occasional spine limpness, he is presently undergoing treatment at the Yulia Timshenko Clinic. Married to Kathy ("007.62") a known CIA, FBI, Mossad, FSB and Al Quaeda operative. Numerous children, lost count years ago. Hobbies: omelets, banking, carpentry.
Yura LYTVYM; The choir conductor of the "Happy Kuchmeroid" underage girls choir. Yura has now changed roles and is CEO of the parliament. A man for all seasons, Yura is best known for nothing. His best selling biography" "My Losing Struggle Against Plagiarism" won rave reviews in newsletters and ?stingazety? of rural militia outposts. Hobbies: finger painting, bullshiting.
Yulia (?Mistress Yulia?) owner of exclusive dungeon in Central Kyiv for ?naughty Cabinet Ministers.? Has large collection of leatherwear, whips, chains and rubber products for clients. Hobby: selling used gas, folk singing.
Alek "Big Al" VOLKIV; The fourth member of the Bankivsky Quartet, Big Al is a lot of fun. Known in Belgium for his practical jokes, he refuses to roll over and quit. Hobbies: playing Zhmurky with Kuchmer and suing.
Natalia VITERENKO: Sly, demure Natalia, the leader of a radical left wing women?s organization "The Red Pantyhose Brigade." Her role model was ET. Hobbies; stalking O. Moroz, throwing hand grenades at herself, playing IMF roulette.
"Igoryok"; the enigma who has had an ongoing fight with his mother-in-law, (?suka, blya?) over the property in Naples Florida. You guess who he is. A friend of Assarov?hint, hint?
Nick POTREBENKO; Long suffering Prosecutor General of Ukraine. A recent victim of Communist persecution. Known for his uncompromising stance against organized crime and corruption in high places, Nick, has led the charge. A pillar of morality for law enforcement and decency, Nick has now joined the OUN. His underground name is "Condom."
Gene MARCHUKCHI: Insecure National Security Advisor. Driven to despair by Stukach and Son, he sits there in his room with the lights out plotting their downfall. Youthful dreams he had have vanished. Now he wants revenge. Hobbies: Weightlifting, plotting.
Slava STETSKOVI: The nationalist version of Rosa Luxemburg. The most boring speaker in parliament, she can outdo Fidel when it comes to monotony. The oldest member of parliament if not the oldest living Ukrainian on the planet. Hobbies; poker, rap music and spitting on communists.
Then there is the cast of thousands- the goyem, the Hassidim, dwarfs, you name it, we got it. Then we have the ever present Pan Myron, Pani Myron, the Topaz Kolchuga Factory Dance ensemble and newly arrived Reverend Doctor Billie Bill Enko from Montgomery Alabama. The Dryndypupenko Cousins, those sorry senior sex slaves, are also active in the BURP. And, us, the purveyors of this rubbish. We know that you want to know who we are, but ?huli? we say to you, ?huli and double blya?"
KUCHA-KUCHMER THE MILKMAN
(the third part of our review of the new play)
As you might or might not know, the goyem of the Shtetel of Bankivka recently went on a rampage to steal the secret recipe for gefilte fish from the Jews in the village. The Jews held their ground and the hungry invaders were pushed back. Their Hetman, Johnny Demjajuk from United Auto Workers local 674 in Cleveland returned home is disgrace. He was followed there by the 15th OSI Cavalry brigade, his permanent bodyguard escort.
Kucha Kuchmer, the village milkman is overjoyed. He pulls out his guitar and begins playing a simple folk melody, not knowing anything else besides simple folk melodies. He begins to sing in his sexy voice. "If I were a rich man I?d be in Antigua too?" Tears come to his eyes as he recalls his youth, the games he played with his best friend Pablo Lazabenko. How they would play "Cops and Robbers" but neither one of them wanted to be the cop. Pablo, now older, left for California a few years ago where he is tending sheep on a government farm. Kucha reminds himself that he should write a denunciation of Pablo again one of these days. The village Hassidim gather around fawning. The sun sets upon Bankivka. Another day, another memory?
LVIV EVENTS
The BURP has recently purchased a correspondent in Lviv, Halychyna, the REAL Ukraine. Ivanka Ivanivna is a bit older, but the alcohol sodden brain still functions. She has offered us a series of notes about events in the Center of Civilization.
ZaYeBU offers unification with ZaEdU.
The leader of the local Lviv branch of Za Yedynu Bahatu Ukrainu (ZaYeBU) made a shocking announcement this afternoon at their first annual aerobics and breast enlargement clinic cookout. Speaking to the twisting and puffing mob of middle aged ZaYeBistky, the local branch chairwoman, Handzya Harmativna, announced that the party was willing to enter into a 15 minute unification with the ZaEdU group. "Imagine, ZaYeBU and ZaEdU together. Makes my tongue hard!!" Harmativna panted in a deep voice. To wild snorts and growls of future pleasures, the membership supported this motion and then went into their own motions, the world famous Halych Mating Ritual. (first performed by members of the SS Halychyna Division on their way to Brody to get screwed in 1945.) The tradition lives on!
Polish Cemetery in Lviv covered with asphalt.
In response to the wildly chauvinistic, dumb and plainly arrogant bullshit objections of the lesser breed Poles, the Lviv City Council issued decree number 567 this morning ordering that the Polish cemetery containing the remains of the Polish Orliata be covered with asphalt and turned into a basketball court. Explaining the wise and patriotic decision of our beloved, wise and never wrong city council, Mayor Lavrenty Hondonovich Potsenko warned the Polish ?revangists? to "keep their stinking little fingers away from our city." To the cheers of ten UNA-UNSO members dressed in used Polish Army fatigues recently purchased in Krakow and 12 very ancient former members of the UNDO Party, the bulldozers went to work. The city council then issued an invitation to the Harlem Globetrotters to hold the first game of their upcoming Ukrainian tour at the new basketball court. The asphalting ceremony ended by everyone singing "Ne pora, ne pora, Moskalevi, Lyakhovi sluzyt??"
UKRAINIAN ECONOMIC NEWS
Ukrainian exports rose this year. According to BURP economist, Karla Marx, the petty bourgeois sector, by engaging in its trivial pursuit of profits and exploitation made "some money". The glorious state run sector, however, made a "lot of bucks" by being fair. The huge increase in production of steel pipes, aluminum and pesticides ?bodes well for the welfare of our people? Marx added. We now produce 2 tons of pipes per capita in Ukraine. "Stick that it your pipe and smoke it" she screamed into the microphone during a pipe blessing ceremony held in Dnipropetrovsk recently.
This year, Ukraine exported 687 metric tons of women to Western Europe alone. This is a 15% increase over last year. The Main exporting company "Pipka Brothers and Sisters Ltd" claimed that their exports were the best. "We supply top grade USDA inspected women, we have them checked out, their teeth, rear ends, eyebrows, etc. We don?t get too many complaints from our customers in Hamburg or Amsterdam." The company claimed that it does not engage in ?dumping? or other illegal practices. "We want Ukraine to join the World Trade Organization so our markets can expand."
Automobile production in Ukraine suffered from natural weather conditions not conducive to automobile making. This was the verdict supplied by newly appointed Economic Minister Kim Il Jong.
The grain crop sucked this year. National Security Advisor Yevhen Marchukchi blamed it "on the competition which wants to push us out of the grain growing business." A tape recording made in the offices of the President by Mykola Melmychenko where Kuchmer and Stukach are heard discussing grain sales, has been called a "lie, meant to discredit Ukraine in the eyes of American and Canadian farmers." Ukraine did not sell grain to Iraq or any other grainless country on the NAACP forbidden list."
"We did sell some portable heaters to Ethiopia though through some Israeli company which deals with exporting dolls to Africa."
NOTICE
We do notice things you know. The bank accounts are running on low, the editors here at the Burp are in a rebellious mood. (Too bad the bastards are not suicidal) we need a few bucks, a bit of love and compassion, a kind smile, a firm handshake, a warm word of encouragement. Send the money to Volkov, Derkach Bank, (VD Bank) 18 rue Perdu, Brussels, Belgium. Account number 332 4456 786. Merci. _
A number of new readers of the BURP have asked our anonymous selves to help them identify the characters in this rag. We will do no such thing, but we do rely upon your primordial instincts to put 2 and 2 together and get whatever you want. Anyway, here is the cast of characters active up to now in the BURP.
Leonid KUCHMER; the President of Ukraine. A red headed, good ole? boy, plays a mean guitar solo of "I never promised you a Rose Garden". Recently converted to Islam. A man of honor, a man of dedication. Favorite hobbies: drinking. Has unique voice which registers well on CD recordings, wave files, tapes etc. Studied oral/anal linguistics at Dnipropetrovsk University, switched to Slavic Scatology and is considered one of the worlds experts in this unique field. Married to Ludmila, the founder and present Head of "Za Yeduny Bahatu Ukrainu" (ZaYeBU). Daughter is out there somewhere earning a miserly living, married to a Reform Rabbi, Pink Chuk. She attends evening classes at the Kyiv Yeshiva for Women.
Lenny STUKACH; Sly evil little fat man, once headed the feared by one and all, SBU (Security and Intelligence Service of Ukraine.) Now in slight disgrace over his personal lack of intelligence, he still is a member of that world renowned singing group "The Bankivsky Quartet." Recently elected to Parliament, he is presently hibernating. Is blessed with a son, Andriy (see below).
Andriy STUKACH; Son of Lenny, therefore is known as "Lennyovich." Good little son, studied Russian studies, wrote his thesis on "Why I Want to be a Russian." Member of parliament from the "United Russian Leaches of Ukraine." Has active desires, but is not capable of overcoming his sense of intellectual inferiority. Hobbies: Snorting anything on the edge of a knife, oil terminals, playing with Telegraphs.
Nick ASSAROV; One of the original "Bankivsky Quartet" members, he is a highly respected tax collector. Awarded many first place finishes in International competition, Nick holds two "Golden Dracula" awards. Nick does things, the old, Beria way. None of this legal mumble jumble bullshit for him. Hobbies: butterfly collecting, tick tack toe, and knitting.
Yura KWAWCHENKO; The original ?tough cop?. Yurko takes no nonsense from journalists, priests, or SBU scumbags. Drives a few stolen Mercedes limo?s, he is the John Wayne of Ukraine. Part of the Bankivsky Quartet, he sings in a low bass, but has trouble reading the lines. Hobbies: hop scotch, Pin the Tail on the Journalist, Mozart concertos.
Victor YUSCHENENKO; Also known as ?The Savoir?. Disguised as a mild mannered reporter for the Kyiv ?Daily Planet?, he is able to leap over kucmeroids at a single bound. Faster then a rolling bagel. "Look, there, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a Ukrainian surface to air missile heading straight for an EL AL Boeing 747? ("no way, ain?t one of ours, we never pushed the button on that sucker") An Eritrean Stealth bomber heading for Moscow? ("right on, do it, nuke the buggers, make them glow in the dark?") No, it?s SuperVic!!" Co-owner with his brother Pete, the younger monk of the family, of a Circus, they also do acrobatic acts. Suffers from occasional spine limpness, he is presently undergoing treatment at the Yulia Timshenko Clinic. Married to Kathy ("007.62") a known CIA, FBI, Mossad, FSB and Al Quaeda operative. Numerous children, lost count years ago. Hobbies: omelets, banking, carpentry.
Yura LYTVYM; The choir conductor of the "Happy Kuchmeroid" underage girls choir. Yura has now changed roles and is CEO of the parliament. A man for all seasons, Yura is best known for nothing. His best selling biography" "My Losing Struggle Against Plagiarism" won rave reviews in newsletters and ?stingazety? of rural militia outposts. Hobbies: finger painting, bullshiting.
Yulia (?Mistress Yulia?) owner of exclusive dungeon in Central Kyiv for ?naughty Cabinet Ministers.? Has large collection of leatherwear, whips, chains and rubber products for clients. Hobby: selling used gas, folk singing.
Alek "Big Al" VOLKIV; The fourth member of the Bankivsky Quartet, Big Al is a lot of fun. Known in Belgium for his practical jokes, he refuses to roll over and quit. Hobbies: playing Zhmurky with Kuchmer and suing.
Natalia VITERENKO: Sly, demure Natalia, the leader of a radical left wing women?s organization "The Red Pantyhose Brigade." Her role model was ET. Hobbies; stalking O. Moroz, throwing hand grenades at herself, playing IMF roulette.
"Igoryok"; the enigma who has had an ongoing fight with his mother-in-law, (?suka, blya?) over the property in Naples Florida. You guess who he is. A friend of Assarov?hint, hint?
Nick POTREBENKO; Long suffering Prosecutor General of Ukraine. A recent victim of Communist persecution. Known for his uncompromising stance against organized crime and corruption in high places, Nick, has led the charge. A pillar of morality for law enforcement and decency, Nick has now joined the OUN. His underground name is "Condom."
Gene MARCHUKCHI: Insecure National Security Advisor. Driven to despair by Stukach and Son, he sits there in his room with the lights out plotting their downfall. Youthful dreams he had have vanished. Now he wants revenge. Hobbies: Weightlifting, plotting.
Slava STETSKOVI: The nationalist version of Rosa Luxemburg. The most boring speaker in parliament, she can outdo Fidel when it comes to monotony. The oldest member of parliament if not the oldest living Ukrainian on the planet. Hobbies; poker, rap music and spitting on communists.
Then there is the cast of thousands- the goyem, the Hassidim, dwarfs, you name it, we got it. Then we have the ever present Pan Myron, Pani Myron, the Topaz Kolchuga Factory Dance ensemble and newly arrived Reverend Doctor Billie Bill Enko from Montgomery Alabama. The Dryndypupenko Cousins, those sorry senior sex slaves, are also active in the BURP. And, us, the purveyors of this rubbish. We know that you want to know who we are, but ?huli? we say to you, ?huli and double blya?"
KUCHA-KUCHMER THE MILKMAN
(the third part of our review of the new play)
As you might or might not know, the goyem of the Shtetel of Bankivka recently went on a rampage to steal the secret recipe for gefilte fish from the Jews in the village. The Jews held their ground and the hungry invaders were pushed back. Their Hetman, Johnny Demjajuk from United Auto Workers local 674 in Cleveland returned home is disgrace. He was followed there by the 15th OSI Cavalry brigade, his permanent bodyguard escort.
Kucha Kuchmer, the village milkman is overjoyed. He pulls out his guitar and begins playing a simple folk melody, not knowing anything else besides simple folk melodies. He begins to sing in his sexy voice. "If I were a rich man I?d be in Antigua too?" Tears come to his eyes as he recalls his youth, the games he played with his best friend Pablo Lazabenko. How they would play "Cops and Robbers" but neither one of them wanted to be the cop. Pablo, now older, left for California a few years ago where he is tending sheep on a government farm. Kucha reminds himself that he should write a denunciation of Pablo again one of these days. The village Hassidim gather around fawning. The sun sets upon Bankivka. Another day, another memory?
LVIV EVENTS
The BURP has recently purchased a correspondent in Lviv, Halychyna, the REAL Ukraine. Ivanka Ivanivna is a bit older, but the alcohol sodden brain still functions. She has offered us a series of notes about events in the Center of Civilization.
ZaYeBU offers unification with ZaEdU.
The leader of the local Lviv branch of Za Yedynu Bahatu Ukrainu (ZaYeBU) made a shocking announcement this afternoon at their first annual aerobics and breast enlargement clinic cookout. Speaking to the twisting and puffing mob of middle aged ZaYeBistky, the local branch chairwoman, Handzya Harmativna, announced that the party was willing to enter into a 15 minute unification with the ZaEdU group. "Imagine, ZaYeBU and ZaEdU together. Makes my tongue hard!!" Harmativna panted in a deep voice. To wild snorts and growls of future pleasures, the membership supported this motion and then went into their own motions, the world famous Halych Mating Ritual. (first performed by members of the SS Halychyna Division on their way to Brody to get screwed in 1945.) The tradition lives on!
Polish Cemetery in Lviv covered with asphalt.
In response to the wildly chauvinistic, dumb and plainly arrogant bullshit objections of the lesser breed Poles, the Lviv City Council issued decree number 567 this morning ordering that the Polish cemetery containing the remains of the Polish Orliata be covered with asphalt and turned into a basketball court. Explaining the wise and patriotic decision of our beloved, wise and never wrong city council, Mayor Lavrenty Hondonovich Potsenko warned the Polish ?revangists? to "keep their stinking little fingers away from our city." To the cheers of ten UNA-UNSO members dressed in used Polish Army fatigues recently purchased in Krakow and 12 very ancient former members of the UNDO Party, the bulldozers went to work. The city council then issued an invitation to the Harlem Globetrotters to hold the first game of their upcoming Ukrainian tour at the new basketball court. The asphalting ceremony ended by everyone singing "Ne pora, ne pora, Moskalevi, Lyakhovi sluzyt??"
UKRAINIAN ECONOMIC NEWS
Ukrainian exports rose this year. According to BURP economist, Karla Marx, the petty bourgeois sector, by engaging in its trivial pursuit of profits and exploitation made "some money". The glorious state run sector, however, made a "lot of bucks" by being fair. The huge increase in production of steel pipes, aluminum and pesticides ?bodes well for the welfare of our people? Marx added. We now produce 2 tons of pipes per capita in Ukraine. "Stick that it your pipe and smoke it" she screamed into the microphone during a pipe blessing ceremony held in Dnipropetrovsk recently.
This year, Ukraine exported 687 metric tons of women to Western Europe alone. This is a 15% increase over last year. The Main exporting company "Pipka Brothers and Sisters Ltd" claimed that their exports were the best. "We supply top grade USDA inspected women, we have them checked out, their teeth, rear ends, eyebrows, etc. We don?t get too many complaints from our customers in Hamburg or Amsterdam." The company claimed that it does not engage in ?dumping? or other illegal practices. "We want Ukraine to join the World Trade Organization so our markets can expand."
Automobile production in Ukraine suffered from natural weather conditions not conducive to automobile making. This was the verdict supplied by newly appointed Economic Minister Kim Il Jong.
The grain crop sucked this year. National Security Advisor Yevhen Marchukchi blamed it "on the competition which wants to push us out of the grain growing business." A tape recording made in the offices of the President by Mykola Melmychenko where Kuchmer and Stukach are heard discussing grain sales, has been called a "lie, meant to discredit Ukraine in the eyes of American and Canadian farmers." Ukraine did not sell grain to Iraq or any other grainless country on the NAACP forbidden list."
"We did sell some portable heaters to Ethiopia though through some Israeli company which deals with exporting dolls to Africa."
NOTICE
We do notice things you know. The bank accounts are running on low, the editors here at the Burp are in a rebellious mood. (Too bad the bastards are not suicidal) we need a few bucks, a bit of love and compassion, a kind smile, a firm handshake, a warm word of encouragement. Send the money to Volkov, Derkach Bank, (VD Bank) 18 rue Perdu, Brussels, Belgium. Account number 332 4456 786. Merci. _