07/18/2002 | Borys Karmeluk

KYIV BURP<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Volume 1, number 13

NEW PROSECUTOR GOES TO WORK

Promising to solve every long forgotten unsolved crime, including a special promise to reveal the real name of Jack the Ripper, Ukraine?s new Prosecutor General went to work this morning. Packing a pair of Makarov revolvers in his belt and a bottle of his mother-in-laws samohon, Pisskun waved to his fans as he got into his private Jeep and drove off into the sunset looking for ?the bad guys? as he so quaintly put it. The first big new case was a request from the Parliament to find who wanted to kill Big Al Volkiv and Ihor Bakakay; two members of parliament known for their intelligence and wit. The case became very complex in the first 10 minutes when he was bombarded by phone calls from all over the country by persons claiming that they wanted to ?do in those bastards? as Mr. Pisskun put it with a grin on his three chins. ?Jeez, I never saw anything like this. All those guys calling in claiming that they want to kill them. It really is a pisser. How they got elected I?ll never guess?

ANTI-CORRUPTION COUNCIL MEETS AND GOES HOME

Meeting in the same year as the World Cup, and with the same interval, the Ukrainian Supreme Anti-Corruption Consortium Ltd. Spent a number of hours wrangling over the meaning of the word ?corruption? and how it is defined in the Ukrainian language. Three camps emerged from the discussion ? the pure linguists who claim there is no word for corruption in the language, since the act itself does not happen in Ukraine. The middle ground was taken by the supporters of free enterprise who consider it a legitimate term, but meant to apply only to the State Tax Administration?s inspectors. The other extreme view was voiced by the Communists who consider that anyone who has any money in his or her pocket is ?corrupt.? After a few laughs, the Consortium went on a guided tour of Banks in Kyiv.

UKRAINE TO JOIN SOUTH-EAST ASIAN TREATY ORGANIZATION

Having been rebuffed once again by NATO (the fourth time in a day, a first for the Guinness Book of Records) Ukrainian President Kuchmer told the West to ?bugger off? and that he was taking his country to join SEATO: ?SEATO, NATO ? they all sound alike, besides, them Asian babes, wow, much more better then them doggy looking Belgium women.? Immediately afterwards, an entire battalion of Ukrainian political analysts and image makers from Russia and China, began publishing praise for the President?s vision of Ukraine in SEATO. Ukrainian TV has announced plans to add 6 hours a day of Chinese language lessons, while Prime Minister Kinykakh has ordered the remodeling of his office ?into a more Oriental style? at a cost of $ 35 million. The opposition was initially stunned by the Presidents announcement, but after a number of closed door sessions with the President of the Daewoo Group, the smiling deputies emerged as proud supporters of the President as they jogged to their banks to initiate wire transfers.

COMPETITION STATES THAT UKRAINE DID NOT SELL ANYTHING, EVER TO IRAQ

The well known ?competition? held a press conference in Kyiv last night and announced that Ukraine never sold anything to Iraq ? ever. Three masked men, who declined to give their names or nationality told a packed crowd in the Arizona Restaurant that they knew, for they were the mysterious competition which National Security Advisor Yevhen Marchukchi is always mumbling about. After stating their information, the three masked men retreated to a small booth in the corner where they were noticed whispering to each other as they sipped cheap gin.

TREASURY SECRETARY?S WALLET STOLEN

US Treasury Secretary Paul O?No told a group of reporters at Borispil Airport that his wallet was stolen during a meeting in the offices of President Kuchmer. ?We were sitting there bored to tears, when suddenly Mr. Volkiv punched me in the ribcage. I lost consciousness and when I came to I found that my wallet was missing. Ukrainian authorities have issued denials claiming that ?Leonid Kuchmer is not a mugger.? ?Big Al? Volkiv explained that he was only kidding when he belted the Secretary. ?I was only playing with him, I tried to show him how we Ukrainians can be like playful little kittens. Besides, he should keep his wallet tied to his waist like we all do when we enter that office.?

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