UKRAINE TO IMPROVE IMAGE: BANS WESTERN JOURNALISTS. KYIV BURP
08/13/2002 | Borys Karmeluk
KYIV BURP Volume 1, Number 14
UKRAINE TO IMPROVE IMAGE: BANS WESTERN JOURNALISTS
Vowing to improve Ukraine?s image in the world, President Leonid Kuchmer expelled all Western journalists from Ukraine last night giving them 15 minutes to "pack their shit, leave and never return." Referring to the Western press corps as "barking dogs in the hire of professional Ukraine haters" he revealed the results of a study done by the Presidential Institute of Sociology. According to this study, 99% of the respondents who worked for the Presidential administration stated that it was the Western press which maligned Ukraine's image. "What more proof do you need?" the President yelled, salivating at the mouth. "The bourgeois press, controlled by you know who, will learn it?s lesson now, you bet, just wait and see." The President added in a charming display of candor and transparent thinking.
According to Ukrainian news sources, the following publications and their journalists have been banned from Ukraine forever, or even longer: "Better Homes and Gardens", "Elle", "Rolling Stone", The "Financial Times", The "New York Times", "National Geographic," "The Watchtower," "Screw," "The New England Journal of Medicine," and "Sports Illustrated."
According to the head of the Presidential Administration, Viktor "Smiling Vik" Medvedchukchi, the President has created an image committee to advise him of what steps need to be taken to remake Ukraine?s image into that of a "civilized country". Heading the committee will be Lenny Stukach, the former SBU chief, his son Andriy will be the treasurer of the committee. Members of the committee are Nick Azarovsky, the widely popular tax collector, Sveta Pisskun, the General Prosecutor and fearless foe of corruption, crime and shenanigans, Al "Big Al" Volkiv, Yura Smirnovsky, the permanently plastered "tough cop" as well as other members who due to circumstances cannot be named until they return to Ukraine from their holidays in Iraq. Honorary members of the committee include the widow of V.V. Shcherbytsky, K.L. Kaganovich, and Galina Brezhnev.
PISSKUN LEAVES FOR CANNES FESTIVAL
Leading the Ukrainian Actors League this year to the Cannes Film Festival will be Sviatoslav Pisskun, the newest rising star of Ukrainian cinema. This announcement was made during the latest DNA test (the 17th such test) of the remains of a missing journalist. The score, after the 16th test, was: Yes, it is his body; 15, no it isn?t; 1. This time the test was being conducted by experts from the Iraqi "Saddam Hussein Institute of Truth" at the request of Mr. Pisskun. "We got all this contradictory crap from the incompetent American FBI ? what we need to clean up the mess is a reliable test. As a civilized country, Ukraine turned to another civilized country, Iraq, to help us in our quest for justice, freedom, truth and an answer which fits our thesis." Mr. Pisskun squirted out during the test. Pisskun also announced that while in Cannes, he will be conducting casting for actors to play the bad guys in the new musical comedy production of "Get That Georgian."
YUSHCHENENKO BROTHERS TO CLIMB EVEREST
After their highly publicized triumph of climbing Mount Howerla in the Carpathian mountains, the famous Yushchenenko brothers will attempt to conquer Mount Everest next week. Surrounded by fawning would-be climbers, the elder Yushchenenko told fawning reporters that "This will be good for Ukraine." When asked how it would be good for Ukraine, the elder brother replied : "It will not be bad for Ukraine, nothing I do is bad for Ukraine and its unborn children, therefore everything which is not bad is good. Slava Ukraini." This answer received a round of applause from somewhat confused SBU bodyguards disguised as abominable snowmen who planned to make the trek with the famous brothers. Wearing patches on their climbing uniforms from such corporate sponsors as "Credit Swiss First Boston" and "City Bank" the two brothers picked up their heavy oak crosses and walked off in the direction of Nepal.
PRESIDENT KUCHMER TO APPEAR AS HOST ON CANDID CAMERA SHOW
President Kuchmer?s press secretary, Yevdokia Yevdokivna, told a crowded press conference that the President will be the guest host on the popular TV program "Candid Camera Ukrainian Style" this coming Saturday night. The special program will focus on the antics of the opposition in parliament and is rumored to contain "humerous" candid shots of certain MP?s in action at such favorite locations as "Big Ludmila?s Sauna"; "The HOT Red Non-Stop Erotic Lounge" on the outskirts of Kyiv and the cashiers cash at certain banks in Bern and Lugano. A special candid shot will be aired of the Stukach Father and Son team selling state assets to their cousins from Russia who in turn sell these same assets back to the Stukachi using different names. All this will be commented upon by the President in his usual pleasing, apologetic, articulate manner.
RUSSIAN STATE DUMA REPENTS
In an usual move of breast beating, the entire Russian State Duma fell to its knees last evening at the close of business and begged the "Ukrainian nation for forgiveness" for centuries of "kaka" that the Russian nation inflicted on Ukraine. Televised live, this act of mass repentance was commented upon by different members of the establishment in Kyiv. Andriy Stukach found this to be "a sacrilege and asinine" and threatened to end his financial support for the cocaine parlor in the basement of the Duma. The entire Communist Party of Ukraine faction in parliament reacted violently to this news and burned in effigy the entire Duma, threatening at the same time to "stop following orders from the Kremlin." The majority in parliament, led by Lytvym were quick to denounce this "act of treason" while the President declared yesterday to be a "day of national mourning." Foreign Minister Anatoliy Slezko sent off a strong note of protest to the Russian foreign ministry, in which it said that "Ukraine protests this unilateral and unfriendly act which will only lead to increased Ukrainian-Russian tension and strengthen the forces of Ukrainian nationalism, the universal enemy of mankind." A different point of view was expressed by Pan Myron who told the "Burp" : "Screw the Moskali bastards, it?s about time they pulled their heads out of their asses."
UKRAINIAN-RUSSIAN HISTORICAL COMMISSION MAKES UNUSUAL FINDINGS
The joint Ukrainian-Russian historical commission, formed to unify the histories of the two Slavic nations, released their latest findings this morning in the Budapest Casino?s "Red Room." Surrounded by mini-skirted
Tall and Very friendly waitresses, the members of the commission told the multitudes that:
a. World War Two never took place. It was merely a "Great Patriotic War" which pitted "Patriots" led by Joe Stalin, against Churchill, Roosevelt and their allies ? the Huns.
b. The Ukrainian Partisan Army, the Galicia Division, Plast, the UNA, The UCCA, The Ukrainian pre-school of Irvington New Jersey and Kurovytsky Meat Market were all collaborators of the German-Fascist invaders and therefore should pay twice the posted rate for a tourist visa to Ukraine.
c. Ukraine, as a nation state, never existed. In fact it never wanted to exist. Ukrainians have always dreamed to be part of Russia and fight alongside them against the infidel Catholic Poles and the other lesser breeds in the West who do not use the Cyrillic alphabet.
d. The airplane, gunpowder, the Jeep, perfume, the Internet and anything else worth mentioning, was discovered by Russians.
e. The universal language of international understanding among people?s is Russian. If a Chinese meets a Nigerian, they speak in Russian in order to understand one another.
f. The Ukrainian language was a provocation invented by German intelligence services in order to divide the two brother nations.
g. The true hero?s of the Ukrainian branch of the Great Russian nation were Kaganovich, Shcherbytsky, Rasputin, Peter the Great, and Vasia Shmarovoz.
UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT DECLARED A "MISSING LINK"
Angolan anthropologists revealed the astounding results of a recent study conducted in Kyiv during the past 5 years. By inserting electric diodes into the brains of Ukrainian parliamentarians they were able to measure the response time to various stimuli by the subjects. The study found that whenever a hundred dollar bill was flashed in front of the subjects, 99.7 % responded by salivating and their hands began jerking rapidly towards the bill. At the mention of the term "State Property Auction" 88.76 % immediately reached for their mobile Nokia phones to call the same number in Nauru (later traced to be the office of the First Ukrainian-Jamaican Investment Bank). The word "corruption" sent numerous electro-neurotic impulses from the brain to the sweat glands. The mention of the term "Prosecutor General" prompted the brain to set off smiles and giggles in 96.98 %. When tested for name recognition and initial responses, the mention of the name "Kuchma" prompted 94.5 % to reach for their wallets to see if they were still there. According to the Angolan scientists, the study revealed that by the primitive nature of the recorded responses, the parliament as such can be classified as a "Missing link" in the history of law making.
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD
JOIN THE UKRAINIAN AIR FORCE! Tired of the same old bullshit? Sick of planting potatoes every Spring in the tiny plot of land by the old dacha? Rummaging through garbage looking for a few bottles to redeem for a few lousy kopecks? Join the Ukrainian Air Force. Flight training is only a mere 5 hours. You too can wear a uniform, impress the gals and best of all, you can become a minister of defense after a few months. Minimal requirements. Call Lenny at 229 8787 for appointment.
KUCHMER VISITS MENTAL HOSPITAL
After a number of failed attempts, Ukrainian President Kuchmer paid his annual visit to the First Ukrainian Clinic for Mental Disorders. Accompanied by his smiling staff and grinning journalists, the President joked with the inmates, slapping them on the back and punching a few in the mouth. As was predicted by astrologists, the President told the satisfied inmates that he was not a crook or gangster.
MARCHUKCHI AND MEDVEDCHUKCHI ANNOUNCE LOTTERY
The City of Donetsk will be the first prize in a new lottery announced by those two lovable ?good ole boys? of Ukrainian slapstick comedy, Yevhen Marchukchi and Viktor Medvedchukchi. "We gave it some thought," they stated last night, "and decided that Donetsk was worth giving away." Tickets will cost the usual 1 hryvnia. They can be bought at any kiosk which has an aerial photograph of Donetsk at night displayed.
UKRAINIAN LANGUAGE BOOK TO BE PUBLISHED
Reading from a prepared text, the Minister of Culture announced plans to publish a Ukrainian language book in 2003. "Yes indeed, we debated this matter for a number of years, but finally decided that it would look good." The details are to be worked out by specialists from Canada and the United States.
IRAQI TOURS ARE IN
Looking for a bit of excitement? Tired of the Crimean coast and the Carpathian mountains? Come with us to Iraq. You can visit the original Kolchuga radar site, now a national monument. See the brand new Leonid Kuchmer Center for Infectious Diseases, enjoy the drama of Kurdish villages being bulldozed by tanks ("Made in Ukraine") while friendly guides explain to you everything they think you need to know. Live the future ? come to Iraq! Call Abdul and Stukach Tours at 445-78 54.
UKRAINE TO IMPROVE IMAGE: BANS WESTERN JOURNALISTS
Vowing to improve Ukraine?s image in the world, President Leonid Kuchmer expelled all Western journalists from Ukraine last night giving them 15 minutes to "pack their shit, leave and never return." Referring to the Western press corps as "barking dogs in the hire of professional Ukraine haters" he revealed the results of a study done by the Presidential Institute of Sociology. According to this study, 99% of the respondents who worked for the Presidential administration stated that it was the Western press which maligned Ukraine's image. "What more proof do you need?" the President yelled, salivating at the mouth. "The bourgeois press, controlled by you know who, will learn it?s lesson now, you bet, just wait and see." The President added in a charming display of candor and transparent thinking.
According to Ukrainian news sources, the following publications and their journalists have been banned from Ukraine forever, or even longer: "Better Homes and Gardens", "Elle", "Rolling Stone", The "Financial Times", The "New York Times", "National Geographic," "The Watchtower," "Screw," "The New England Journal of Medicine," and "Sports Illustrated."
According to the head of the Presidential Administration, Viktor "Smiling Vik" Medvedchukchi, the President has created an image committee to advise him of what steps need to be taken to remake Ukraine?s image into that of a "civilized country". Heading the committee will be Lenny Stukach, the former SBU chief, his son Andriy will be the treasurer of the committee. Members of the committee are Nick Azarovsky, the widely popular tax collector, Sveta Pisskun, the General Prosecutor and fearless foe of corruption, crime and shenanigans, Al "Big Al" Volkiv, Yura Smirnovsky, the permanently plastered "tough cop" as well as other members who due to circumstances cannot be named until they return to Ukraine from their holidays in Iraq. Honorary members of the committee include the widow of V.V. Shcherbytsky, K.L. Kaganovich, and Galina Brezhnev.
PISSKUN LEAVES FOR CANNES FESTIVAL
Leading the Ukrainian Actors League this year to the Cannes Film Festival will be Sviatoslav Pisskun, the newest rising star of Ukrainian cinema. This announcement was made during the latest DNA test (the 17th such test) of the remains of a missing journalist. The score, after the 16th test, was: Yes, it is his body; 15, no it isn?t; 1. This time the test was being conducted by experts from the Iraqi "Saddam Hussein Institute of Truth" at the request of Mr. Pisskun. "We got all this contradictory crap from the incompetent American FBI ? what we need to clean up the mess is a reliable test. As a civilized country, Ukraine turned to another civilized country, Iraq, to help us in our quest for justice, freedom, truth and an answer which fits our thesis." Mr. Pisskun squirted out during the test. Pisskun also announced that while in Cannes, he will be conducting casting for actors to play the bad guys in the new musical comedy production of "Get That Georgian."
YUSHCHENENKO BROTHERS TO CLIMB EVEREST
After their highly publicized triumph of climbing Mount Howerla in the Carpathian mountains, the famous Yushchenenko brothers will attempt to conquer Mount Everest next week. Surrounded by fawning would-be climbers, the elder Yushchenenko told fawning reporters that "This will be good for Ukraine." When asked how it would be good for Ukraine, the elder brother replied : "It will not be bad for Ukraine, nothing I do is bad for Ukraine and its unborn children, therefore everything which is not bad is good. Slava Ukraini." This answer received a round of applause from somewhat confused SBU bodyguards disguised as abominable snowmen who planned to make the trek with the famous brothers. Wearing patches on their climbing uniforms from such corporate sponsors as "Credit Swiss First Boston" and "City Bank" the two brothers picked up their heavy oak crosses and walked off in the direction of Nepal.
PRESIDENT KUCHMER TO APPEAR AS HOST ON CANDID CAMERA SHOW
President Kuchmer?s press secretary, Yevdokia Yevdokivna, told a crowded press conference that the President will be the guest host on the popular TV program "Candid Camera Ukrainian Style" this coming Saturday night. The special program will focus on the antics of the opposition in parliament and is rumored to contain "humerous" candid shots of certain MP?s in action at such favorite locations as "Big Ludmila?s Sauna"; "The HOT Red Non-Stop Erotic Lounge" on the outskirts of Kyiv and the cashiers cash at certain banks in Bern and Lugano. A special candid shot will be aired of the Stukach Father and Son team selling state assets to their cousins from Russia who in turn sell these same assets back to the Stukachi using different names. All this will be commented upon by the President in his usual pleasing, apologetic, articulate manner.
RUSSIAN STATE DUMA REPENTS
In an usual move of breast beating, the entire Russian State Duma fell to its knees last evening at the close of business and begged the "Ukrainian nation for forgiveness" for centuries of "kaka" that the Russian nation inflicted on Ukraine. Televised live, this act of mass repentance was commented upon by different members of the establishment in Kyiv. Andriy Stukach found this to be "a sacrilege and asinine" and threatened to end his financial support for the cocaine parlor in the basement of the Duma. The entire Communist Party of Ukraine faction in parliament reacted violently to this news and burned in effigy the entire Duma, threatening at the same time to "stop following orders from the Kremlin." The majority in parliament, led by Lytvym were quick to denounce this "act of treason" while the President declared yesterday to be a "day of national mourning." Foreign Minister Anatoliy Slezko sent off a strong note of protest to the Russian foreign ministry, in which it said that "Ukraine protests this unilateral and unfriendly act which will only lead to increased Ukrainian-Russian tension and strengthen the forces of Ukrainian nationalism, the universal enemy of mankind." A different point of view was expressed by Pan Myron who told the "Burp" : "Screw the Moskali bastards, it?s about time they pulled their heads out of their asses."
UKRAINIAN-RUSSIAN HISTORICAL COMMISSION MAKES UNUSUAL FINDINGS
The joint Ukrainian-Russian historical commission, formed to unify the histories of the two Slavic nations, released their latest findings this morning in the Budapest Casino?s "Red Room." Surrounded by mini-skirted
Tall and Very friendly waitresses, the members of the commission told the multitudes that:
a. World War Two never took place. It was merely a "Great Patriotic War" which pitted "Patriots" led by Joe Stalin, against Churchill, Roosevelt and their allies ? the Huns.
b. The Ukrainian Partisan Army, the Galicia Division, Plast, the UNA, The UCCA, The Ukrainian pre-school of Irvington New Jersey and Kurovytsky Meat Market were all collaborators of the German-Fascist invaders and therefore should pay twice the posted rate for a tourist visa to Ukraine.
c. Ukraine, as a nation state, never existed. In fact it never wanted to exist. Ukrainians have always dreamed to be part of Russia and fight alongside them against the infidel Catholic Poles and the other lesser breeds in the West who do not use the Cyrillic alphabet.
d. The airplane, gunpowder, the Jeep, perfume, the Internet and anything else worth mentioning, was discovered by Russians.
e. The universal language of international understanding among people?s is Russian. If a Chinese meets a Nigerian, they speak in Russian in order to understand one another.
f. The Ukrainian language was a provocation invented by German intelligence services in order to divide the two brother nations.
g. The true hero?s of the Ukrainian branch of the Great Russian nation were Kaganovich, Shcherbytsky, Rasputin, Peter the Great, and Vasia Shmarovoz.
UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT DECLARED A "MISSING LINK"
Angolan anthropologists revealed the astounding results of a recent study conducted in Kyiv during the past 5 years. By inserting electric diodes into the brains of Ukrainian parliamentarians they were able to measure the response time to various stimuli by the subjects. The study found that whenever a hundred dollar bill was flashed in front of the subjects, 99.7 % responded by salivating and their hands began jerking rapidly towards the bill. At the mention of the term "State Property Auction" 88.76 % immediately reached for their mobile Nokia phones to call the same number in Nauru (later traced to be the office of the First Ukrainian-Jamaican Investment Bank). The word "corruption" sent numerous electro-neurotic impulses from the brain to the sweat glands. The mention of the term "Prosecutor General" prompted the brain to set off smiles and giggles in 96.98 %. When tested for name recognition and initial responses, the mention of the name "Kuchma" prompted 94.5 % to reach for their wallets to see if they were still there. According to the Angolan scientists, the study revealed that by the primitive nature of the recorded responses, the parliament as such can be classified as a "Missing link" in the history of law making.
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD
JOIN THE UKRAINIAN AIR FORCE! Tired of the same old bullshit? Sick of planting potatoes every Spring in the tiny plot of land by the old dacha? Rummaging through garbage looking for a few bottles to redeem for a few lousy kopecks? Join the Ukrainian Air Force. Flight training is only a mere 5 hours. You too can wear a uniform, impress the gals and best of all, you can become a minister of defense after a few months. Minimal requirements. Call Lenny at 229 8787 for appointment.
KUCHMER VISITS MENTAL HOSPITAL
After a number of failed attempts, Ukrainian President Kuchmer paid his annual visit to the First Ukrainian Clinic for Mental Disorders. Accompanied by his smiling staff and grinning journalists, the President joked with the inmates, slapping them on the back and punching a few in the mouth. As was predicted by astrologists, the President told the satisfied inmates that he was not a crook or gangster.
MARCHUKCHI AND MEDVEDCHUKCHI ANNOUNCE LOTTERY
The City of Donetsk will be the first prize in a new lottery announced by those two lovable ?good ole boys? of Ukrainian slapstick comedy, Yevhen Marchukchi and Viktor Medvedchukchi. "We gave it some thought," they stated last night, "and decided that Donetsk was worth giving away." Tickets will cost the usual 1 hryvnia. They can be bought at any kiosk which has an aerial photograph of Donetsk at night displayed.
UKRAINIAN LANGUAGE BOOK TO BE PUBLISHED
Reading from a prepared text, the Minister of Culture announced plans to publish a Ukrainian language book in 2003. "Yes indeed, we debated this matter for a number of years, but finally decided that it would look good." The details are to be worked out by specialists from Canada and the United States.
IRAQI TOURS ARE IN
Looking for a bit of excitement? Tired of the Crimean coast and the Carpathian mountains? Come with us to Iraq. You can visit the original Kolchuga radar site, now a national monument. See the brand new Leonid Kuchmer Center for Infectious Diseases, enjoy the drama of Kurdish villages being bulldozed by tanks ("Made in Ukraine") while friendly guides explain to you everything they think you need to know. Live the future ? come to Iraq! Call Abdul and Stukach Tours at 445-78 54.