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• 2012.03.11 | stryjko_bojko

  Rabinovich. Sholem Aleichem, the most famous Rabinovich

  Rabinovich
  Sholem Aleichem, the most famous Rabinovich
  
  Rabinovich, is an archetypal Russian Jew. He is a crafty, cynical, sometimes bitter type, hates the Soviet government, often too smart for his own good and is sometimes portrayed as an otkaznik (refusenik): someone who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.
  
  Rabinovich fills out a job application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes, but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"
  
  An acquaintance of Rabinovich runs into him on a Moscow street. Surprised he asks, "Rabinovich, why haven't you emigrated to Israel?" "What for?" replies Rabinovich, "I can feel bitter here just as well!"
  
  Seeing a pompous and lavish burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head: "What a waste! I could have buried the whole Politburo with this kind of money!"
  
  Rabinovich calls Pamyat headquarters, speaking with a characteristic accent: "Tell me, is it true that Jews sold Russia?"/ "Yes, of course it's true, Kike-schnabel!"/ "Oh good! Could you please tell me where I should go to get my share?"
  
  This following example explains Vladimir Putin's remark about "comrade wolf" in relation to the politics of the United States[3] that many non-Russians found cryptic:
  
  Rabinovich is walking through the forest with a sheep, when both of them stumble into a pit. A few minutes later, a wolf also falls into the pit. The sheep gets nervous and starts bleating. "What's with all the baaahh, baaahh?" Rabinovich asks, "Comrade wolf knows whom to eat."
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  • 2012.03.11 | stryjko_bojko

    Vovochka

    Vovochka
    
    Vovochka is the Russian equivalent of Little Johnny. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Maria Ivanovna, a stereotypical Russian female teacher's name. "Vovochka" is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly diminutive names. This "little boy" name is used in contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, adult, often obscene statements.
    
    In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you broke a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a dick on the blackboard?"
    The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"
    "Mom!" called Vovochka one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?" "Yes", said his mother. "What about it?" "Well the last generation has just dropped the custom."
    
    During the Soviet times Vovochka was sometimes associated in the jokes with young Vladimir Lenin. But there are also Vovochka meta-jokes for the contemporary political climate:
    
    Since the election of Vladimir Putin, all jokes about Vovochka shall be considered political.
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    • 2012.03.11 | stryjko_bojko

      Vasily Ivanovich

      Vasily Ivanovich
      
      Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev (Russian: Василий Иванович Чапаев), a Red Army hero of the Russian Civil War, in the rank of Division Commander, was featured in a hugely popular 1934 biopic. Other characters from the biopic like his aide-de-camp Petka (Peter — Петька), Anka The Machine-Gunner (Anna — Анка-Пулемётчица), and political commissar Furmanov, all based on real people, are also featured in the jokes. Most common topics are about their fight with the monarchist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death; officially and in the book, he was machine-gunned by the Whites while attempting to flee across the Ural River after a lost battle. Chapayev's character is a charismatic, yet not very intelligent leader of a unit, Petka portrayed as a simple village guy, who draws deep respect toward his Commander and Anka doesn't take active part in the jokes, but, when mentioned, works as a sort of catalyst for the humor. In some sex-orientated jokes, Anka is shown as a slutty cheater, who puts both Petka and Chapayev in comical situations, while dating both of them.
      
      "I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it's a stallion from the 7th cavalry squadron." / "Oh, my bad, Vasily Ivanovich! While you were away, I had him moved to the 6th!"
      
      Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are plastoon-style crawling across a field, first Anka, then Petka and Chapayev last. Petka says to Anka, "Anka, you lied about your proletarian descent! Your mother must have been a ballerina -- your legs are so fine!" Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, must have been a plowman: you are leaving such a deep furrow!"
      
      On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!" / "How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exciting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?" / "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it. You'll only wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters have starred in this joke as well, including Rabinovich.)
      
      Chapayev and Anka are married, but Chapayev has to go away for a while. So he mounts on Anka a chastity belt, fitted with a small guillotine. A month later Chapayev returns and lines up his men. Then he orders them: "Everyone who lost their dicks while trying to have sex with Anka, one step ahead!" Everyone but Petka steps up. Chapayev askes: "Petka, didn't you go and try to have sex with Anka?" Petka manages to say with great difficulty: "Yes, I did." (his tongue was sliced)
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      • 2012.03.11 | stryjko_bojko

        Fantômas

        Fantômas
        
        Some older jokes involve Fantômas, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series Fantômas, which were once widely popular in the USSR. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantômas' talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters:
        
        (From the days of Golda Meir) Fantômas sneaks into Mao Zedong's private chamber as the latter is on his deathbed, and takes off his mask. "Well, Petka, fate sure does have a way of scattering friends all over the world, doesn't it?", says Mao. "Ah, if you only knew, Vasily Ivanovich," responds Fantômas, "what our Anka has been up to in Israel!"
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        • 2012.03.11 | stryjko_bojko

          New Russians

          New Russians
          Mercedes-Benz S600 (W140)
          Zaporozhets 968
          
          New Russians, i.e. the nouveau-riche, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika businessmen and gangsters, are a new and very popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian in his archetypal black-colored Mercedes S600 with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircuts, thick gold chains and crimson jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding the "600 Merc" and showing off their wealth.
          
          A New-Russian's son complains to his father: "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I look like a black sheep in this 600 Merc." — "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride like everyone else!"
          "Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." — "You got yourself conned," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"
          A new Russian and an old man lie injured side-by-side in an emergency room:
          
          — How did you get here, old fella?
          — I had an old Zaporozhets car, and I put my war-trophy Messerschmitt jet engine in it. While driving on a highway, I saw a Ferrari ahead and tried to overtake it. My speed was too high, I lost control and crashed into a tree. And how did you get here?
          — I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I thought that my car might have broken down and was actually standing still. So I opened the door and walked out..
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          • 2012.03.11 | stryjko_bojko

            Animals

            Animals
            
            Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature characters, which draw their roots in the old Slavic fairy tales, where animals are portrayed as sapient beings with a stereotypical behavior, such as the violent Wolf, the sneaky (female) Fox, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, the multi-dimensional Hedgehog and the king of animal kingdom, Lion. In the Russian language all objects, animate and inanimate, have a (grammatical) gender - masculine, feminine, or neuter. The reader should assume that the Wolf, the Bear, the Hare, the Lion and the Hedgehog are males, whereas the Fox is a female.
            Pap.svg
            
            The Bear, the Wolf, the Hare and the Vixen are playing cards. The Bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If anyone is cheating, her smug red-furred face is gonna hurt!"
            "If something has spilled from somewhere, then that must mean that something has poured into somewhere else," the Drunken Hedgehog mused philosophically when the campers quarrelled over a broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a kind of multipurpose Russian cliché.)
            
            Animals in Russian jokes are and were very well aware of politics in the realm of humans.
            
            A bunch of animals including a cock are in prison and brag to each other about what they are there for. The cock doesn't take part in this. Someone asks: "And what are you in for?" — "I am not talking to you, criminals. I am a political prisoner!" — "How come?" — "I pecked a Young Pioneer in the arse!"
            
            Often animal jokes are in fact fables, i.e., their punchline is (or eventually becomes) a kind of a maxim.
            
            The Hare runs like crazy through a forest and meets the Wolf. The Wolf asks: "What's the matter? Why such haste?" "The camels there are caught and shod!" The Wolf says: "But you're not a camel!" — "Hey, after you are caught and shod, just you try and prove them that you are not a camel!" (This joke is the origin of the popular Russian saying "try to prove you are not a camel" in the sense "try to prove something to someone who doesn't want to listen", used in relation to violations of the presumption of innocence[4] by Russian law enforcement agencies or when someone has to fight the bureaucracy to get official papers proving that one has lost a leg or is even alive.)

          • 2012.03.11 | stryjko_bojko

            New Russians

            The Golden Fish
            
            Aside from mammals, a rather common non-human is the Golden Fish, who asks the catcher to release her in exchange for three wishes. The first Russian instance of this appeared in Alexander Pushkin's The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish. In jokes, the Fisherman may be replaced by a representative of a nationality or ethnicity and the third wish usually makes the punch line of the joke.
            
            An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They catch fish for food and suddenly catch a Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each for her own freedom:
            The American: "A million dollars and to go back home!"
            The Frenchman: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!"
            The Russian: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of vodka and the two fellas back!"
            Side Note: This joke is a play on the fact that in Russia it is believed that three is the optimal number of people for drinking. This in turn goes back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2.87 Soviet rubles, 3 rubles being a convenient price for three men to buy a bottle and have 13 kopecks left for a snack. The classic for the latter was a rectangular pack of soft processed cheese "Druzhba" (Friendship), with that exact price. (the Western equivalent of the cheese would be The Laughing Cow soft cheese). Therefore, a natural company is 3, each contributing 1 ruble. This procedure was dubbed "to have arranged for three (persons)" (Russian: сообразить на троих; soobrazit' na troikh, literal translation: "to have figured out for three"). Much of Soviet folklore is based on this interpretation of the "magic of the number 3".
            
            A similar type of joke involves a wish-granting Genie, the main difference being that in the case of the Golden Fish the Fisherman suffers from his own stupidity or greed, while Genie is known for ingeniously twisting an interpretation of the wish to fool the grantee.
            
            A guy finds an old bottle, picks it up and opens it. Genie comes out of the bottle and says: "Thanks so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?" (Hero of the Soviet Union was the highest Soviet award). The guy says: "Yes, sure!" Next thing he knows, he finds himself on a battlefield, alone against eight enemy tanks, and in his hands he has eight grenades. (sometimes there are five German panzers and only three grenades).
            A starving thirsty guy crawls in a desert and finds a bottle with genie, who says: "I can make your dream come true! What do you want?" - "I wanna get home!" - "So, let's go" - "No, I wanna get home quickly!" - "So, let's run!"